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Sparkling Rust (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
Drifting in the mental ocean... my nerve universe, thoughts spinning, going back to the beginning of my life. Vhs tape called memory is rewound back at high speed. My inner soul bleeds from the images flashing, like an old film. Cold metal sparkles from a rusted switch blade thrusted deep into flesh. Cut veins pour a stream of hot blood onto the floor... The last image of my brother twenty-nine and gone forever.

Up the ladder: Are You Experienced?
Down the ladder: Two years after...

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.6
Weighted score: 5.3099275
Overall Rank: 3587
Posted: August 12, 2003 11:58 PM PDT; Last modified: August 12, 2003 11:58 PM PDT
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[10] Caducus @ | 13-Aug-03/6:02 AM | Reply
Excellent job its not pretentious, and I think its very poignant (especially the end, so sudden and final). Line one is also quite a beautiful thought, a mental ocean, that one line spawns so many thoughts like clams, drowning in yourself, being consumed, blue etc,

This is raw and lingers, I have e0mailed it to my inbox (as i write so many death/angst poems take this a compliment) 10
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > Caducus | 13-Aug-03/6:44 PM | Reply
Thanks, what do you suggest for a title?
[10] Caducus @ > SupremeDreamer | 14-Aug-03/1:51 AM | Reply
Actually its quite hard but i think maybe' Drifting' but as I've read the last but 3rd stanza again I can see where you got the title from, just remember the main point of the poem is death, so keep the title real.

or even The Crossing something like those.
[10] Caducus @ | 13-Aug-03/6:02 AM | Reply
The title's shit though.
[8] Jill Stockinger @ | 21-Jan-21/1:07 PM | Reply
Ending is very powerful. Very sad.

1 point: you use "vhs tape called memory" and then you say "like and old film". They mean the same thing really, should change "like an old film" to something that differs more, I suggest.
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