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endless eternity: (Free verse) by Sapphire waves crash a steady beat
pounding shores in rhyme
time suckles of
mother natures teat
all the while man remains blind
the shifting sands
run through a slick channel
lost souls still wander the ages
a taste
rolls in mouths of unwary - banal
yet they never see they are within
cages
Up the ladder:
Tate Street 1956
Down the ladder:
Sanctification
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.1904764
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.2050366 Overall Rank: 13229 Comments:
[5]
nentwined @
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16-Mar-02/1:21 AM
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Reply
the title is a strike against -- redundant. I can't find the rhythm or flow of the piece, but the images are beautiful and I feel I've got the feel of the whole. ... :)
the cage and the wide ocean don't work as contrasting forces. Cage/field pond/ocean
"suckles of" -> "suckles off"
"natures" -> "nature's" "all the while man remains blind" -- flow seems off here. and on the next line. actually, from there down, it seems a bit off.
hhhmmmmm needs more though i think and it is really good buttwo parts crash together and well that is just my opinnion..
true...
And here I thought this was going to be a descent poem. The title sucks, but the poem opens in okay fashion and then---boom, out of nowhere comes the worst line ever written: "time suckles of mother natures teat." I laughed all the way to the pisser, pissed all over myself from laughing so hard.
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