Villanelle № 85157
Emily Mae
What else can a young mother say?
I wake up at night hearing you... And
I love and miss you Emily Mae.
"Minutes turn hours & the hours to days"
As no one, but you, can take my hand
What else can a young mother say?
When we put you to ground, the display
alone sent me into this no man's land
I love and miss you dear Emily Mae.
"I buried my heart with, to keep you at play"
in that field where the grey stones stand,
What else can a young mother say.
To those that we had, but went away?
I want you to know, "I'm glad you weren't planned."
And I love and I miss you Emily Mae.
One day soon, with you too, I will stay
by your grave as a mother, and friend.
What else can a young mother say...
But I love and miss you my Emily Mae.
35 comments
Suddenly, I need a good cry.
As for being stupid: You are the one who lacks the mental-power needed to keep up with the rest of RankerVille. Remember, its a good idea to make use of your thinking asscap before yapping.
I'm pissed because it's lazy self centered mother fuckers like you that keep this world from waking up, while you point the finger at me and call me the devil, or the bad tasteless poet, in all reality, it's you and your peers that are heartless, selfish, dry cunts hopped up personal enlightenment and enless series of hopeless CONTRADICTIONS IN LIFE STYLE, love, work, you're a joke, a sell out, a blind accusor of what YOu are guilty of daily, not me bitch, I have CONVICTION, I have justice, I know what I stand for, and that's bad news for you and your disorganized body of liberal ferret fuckers, when I have my day? better run, because you're the first on my list of ethnic cleansing.
And what would interest you exactly?
Ok let's test that claim, lol...here goes...
you're missing a "to" in s.2 L.1
In S.4 L.1, why "I buried my heart with" and not "I buried my heart with you" -- is this a colloquialism I don't know or was it to save a syllable for the rhythm?
in the next line, "that field" comes off pretty corny, why not just "in a field where grey stones stand"?
S.5 L.1 "...but went away" should be "...who went away" or "...but who went away"
now, after you're done getting all pissy at me like a senile cat that thinks it owns its owners house & everything in it, why don't you go make some constructive comments on one of my pomes? If you can. I personally doubt it. You obviously have some talent for writing, but apparently little ability to read and understand and contribute to others' writing. If I'm wrong, however, I'd be quite interested to hear your feedback. Foaming at the mouth at me, however, will not make me cry. It might make me giggle, and show it to someone for a good laugh.
adding in the "dear" and "my" to the 2nd rhyming line is a sweet touch.
Note to Lenore: I have to say, it's pretty fucking hard to miss that this pome is about a dead daughter, not a lost love.
All of your notes are valid, but at that point in writing (the final polish, this was the first write) it becomes 'personal' prefference, style, and touches, and neither here nor there. BuT that'S A GOOD ONE! "me foaming" I mean, because, if you knew me, you'd be able to get close enough to smell the foam is merely twinkie cream, I'm just a dick, I'm not interested in teaching poetry for free, or sharing ideas, or talking shop, or any of that other fucking l2 S7 verse bazooka page one crap, I was doing that 4,000 comments ago, now I've come to the conclusion that it's dull, boring and useless, now if you're an editor, and making a living sure, by all means, but I'm not, I'm a poet, no big deal. I think you are confusing an education and the appropriate language and terminology of writing, the elements of style etc... with having talent? Any fucking moron can learn how to edit, now having the passion and the conviction and the gimmicks it takes to be a poet, two different things. the world of the imaginitive to the world of the "CORRECT" Doesn't interest me, in fact, it makes me '"giggle" like I said any lit major can correct a poem, being a poet, however, is more than that, but that's a great tool to have if you are, not the other way around.
Now, I can see how you might feel left out, because you're the only one I haven't done that too out of hundreds, but like I said earlier, I'm busy, perhaps you can find someone with more free time on their hands that would be interested in destroying your poetry, or listening do your delightful melodramas about counseling, and designer shoes, and urine, and what have you, I will merely repeat what I said earlier, I responded to a comment that you left on my poem, I really don't see how that has anything to do with your poetry, or you, or your shoes, or your vagina. Nonetheless, if anyone should have pissy shoes, it should be you. Thank you, I'm here all day folks.
What else can a young mother say?
I wake up at night hearing you. And--
I love and miss you dear Emily Mae.
Minutes turn to hours and hours to days
As no one but you can take my hand.
What else can a young mother say?
When we put you to ground, the display
Alone sent me into this no man's land.
I love and miss you dear Emily Mae.
I buried my heart there to keep you at play,
In the field where the grey stones stand.
What else can a young mother say?
To those who we had who went away?
I want you to know I'm glad you weren't planned.
And I love and I miss you Emily Mae.
One day soon with you too I will stay
By your grave as a mother and friend.
What else can a young mother say?
But I love and miss you my Emily Mae.
That irons out a few wrinkles; it doesn't stop it from being the most sentimental, embarassingly heart-rending, bathetic pile of shit in the world ever. Thanks. -10-
still, nice job over all
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