| Re: California triolets by zodiac |
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 131.111.212.215 |
7-May-04/7:26 AM |
|
If she really was reading Lawrence, then "assurance" is bow'ls because you only chose it to rhyme with what she happened to be reading. But if she wasn't reading Lawrence, then the whole poeme is UTTERLY MORALLY BANKRUPT.
|
|
|
 |
| Re: Epitaph by philn |
Shuushin 147.154.235.51 |
7-May-04/7:53 AM |
|
Mechanically it's not to shabbily done, I'd say. The endrhymes weave without any noticeably intrusion.
The meter chugs right along, slightly bumpy toward the end there - but serves to let the reader know the station approaches. I'd try to hack out some of the conjunctions, in particular but carefully since it would affect the good flow.
Philosphically, I'm willing to accept it as a character perspective, one that although I personally don't quite relate to it, I can understand.
Have an Eight. A few more poetic techniques would notch it up pretty easily, given the success of the mechanics used.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Beginning of the End by justjay |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-May-04/8:42 AM |
|
A peerless, saturated jock strap of meaningless rhetoric.
|
|
|
|
| Re: love.term by ggawrysi |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-May-04/8:42 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: Watch Out by Nicholas Monson |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-May-04/8:44 AM |
|
Watch out for Johnny the Greek,
He'll bugger up the olymipics,
Have a bearded wife,
But not care as he prefers sodomy.
|
|
|
|
| Re: immaculate perception by w~* ATHENA *~w |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-May-04/8:45 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
edpeterson 68.79.7.110 |
7-May-04/8:45 AM |
|
i thought this was going to expand into an acrostic spelling out gas station. HEHEHE. I am a bit disappointed.
good poem.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-May-04/8:46 AM |
|
Congratulations, you spell nearly as badly as me.
Cnut.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Epitaph by philn |
edpeterson 68.79.7.110 |
7-May-04/8:53 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: love.term by ggawrysi |
edpeterson 68.79.7.110 |
7-May-04/8:55 AM |
|
so.....where's the fucking?
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
7-May-04/9:16 AM |
|
I like this a lot. The last 3 lines are good. "soul dark coils of black" is good.
Suggestions:
your journey will lead you -> your journey leads
autumns rut -> autumn rut
Iâll think of you faithfully - omit
leaving them to ponder the greater probability of their so called life ???
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
fair12 66.84.225.2 |
7-May-04/10:08 AM |
|
thanks hypatia - will definately consider suggestions.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 147.154.235.51 |
7-May-04/10:22 AM |
|
Ahhhh - sweetly done. THIS is the kind of stuff you do well.
You have a gift, my friend - you have a gift.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 131.111.212.215 |
7-May-04/11:12 AM |
|
Wishy-washy fiddle-faddle. Obviously you think the more like portentous dialogue in a fantasy novel a poeme sounds, the better it is.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 24.176.102.131 |
7-May-04/11:42 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 205.188.116.68 |
7-May-04/2:25 PM |
|
Light and fun. The way it should be.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Influence of Anxiety by Nicholas Jones |
<~> 167.206.181.179 |
7-May-04/2:27 PM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 205.188.116.68 |
7-May-04/2:29 PM |
|
And the left brain-right brain connection.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 205.188.116.68 |
7-May-04/2:35 PM |
|
I'm sure that -green nut hell- is far worse than any hell I will ever be able to imagine!! Nice one-timer.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 205.188.116.68 |
7-May-04/2:51 PM |
|
These are the kind of poems that make me say: You are beyond this website.
|
|
|
|
