| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.178.247.202 |
24-Apr-04/2:55 PM |
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Goal is quite a harsh, clinical choice of word. Heart or mind - daffodyls?
Heart and mind is a problem. Humans only have a heart and a mind (possibly). So the reader is lead to believe it is the voice of the narrator.
Other than that cute.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
validus_vox 24.159.211.14 |
24-Apr-04/2:56 PM |
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| Re: the salt shaker by elizabethann |
validus_vox 24.159.211.14 |
24-Apr-04/3:00 PM |
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powerful and full of emotion. solid structure that gives me a strong sense of breaks and the intended rhythm...peace
mike
ps: if you didnt know, im the dude who IMed you earlier
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| Re: sexy by elizabethann |
validus_vox 24.159.211.14 |
24-Apr-04/3:02 PM |
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i really like this one. solid topic and powerful portrayal of your feelings. once again, powerful structure to set the rhythm and speed of the poem...keep it up...peace
mike
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:16 PM |
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The daffodil line was a nice surprise. Seems you'll get a concensus regarding the ending.
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| Re: The Dead Sea by philn |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:18 PM |
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First two stanzas quite lovely and precisely made.
The last does not work for me. I really hope you are able to bring it full circle somehow.
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| Re: Writing the Books by validus_vox |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:21 PM |
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Some line breaks might help this.
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| Re: He Hunts For Meaning by validus_vox |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:23 PM |
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| Re: Mental Escape by validus_vox |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:26 PM |
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So much text to wade through; lots of telling, no line breaks...
Let the words do some of the work (give us both a break).
I'm afraid I must too sound harsh.
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| Re: She Searches For Love by validus_vox |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:28 PM |
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Hey Mike - Give this a shot as a poem. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way.
Allow yourself half the lines, and a third the words.
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| Re: He Hunts For Meaning by validus_vox |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
24-Apr-04/3:32 PM |
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This is a good story, fairly well told, a little choppy for a poem, lines too long, still worth the effort.
"Ducking outside to hide from their antics"
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| Re: Merry-Go-Round by Miggy |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/3:33 PM |
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Right off I don't like "passes by" - is there some other way to let me know you like being around this person?
Some way to express that frustration when they bail so I can feel it instead of acknowledging it?
Maybe it being a lyric gets you off the hook from being poetic? I hope not.
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| Re: She Searches For Love by validus_vox |
zodiac 67.240.211.244 |
24-Apr-04/4:12 PM |
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I find it fascinating that you posted this piece "She Searches for Love" almost simultaneously with "He Hunts for Meaning." The parallels in the titles, if nothing else, beg someone to do a good feminist deconstruction on them, the result of which will inevitably be that your Woman-Searching-for-Love is daft, weak, and better off carried on her quest for love, which she believes is truth - while your Man-Hunting (nb-Hunting is something substantially different from searching) for Meaning (not Love) is self-sufficient, undaunted by hardship, and worshipped by women, especially "his friend," the object-not-subject of his search, who is mainly "confused" by his grandoise pronouncements, none of which are particularly deep. Ergo, men=great, women=suck. Which is fine if you're only trying to describe one particularly weak woman who you happen to know, but personally I wouldn't let you take my daughter anywhere in that tint-windowed van of yours.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 67.240.211.23 |
24-Apr-04/5:05 PM |
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The last line is crap. I mean, I'm reading your second-to-last line thinking, 'let my feet play "I love you"'??? What's he talking about? Does he have some novelty foot-piano? Is he playing an accordion with his toes? Oh, no, wait: here's more... Samuel Morse... Morse code! He's tapping it in Morse code! Mystery solved! That's what he must have meant by 'My feet are star drummers'! Anyway, I hope this is conveying to you exactly how overstated your central gimmick is, because it's - well, it's pretty overstated, that's all.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/5:06 PM |
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yep, that last bit falls apart pretty well.
sweaty palms twice AND you tell me your nervous. pick one of the three please.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
24-Apr-04/5:19 PM |
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Eyelids clicking - not musical, no sound. I suppose they are "Taking countless photographs of your face" but if so, that line should be moved up. I think you should either do the music thing all the way or not at all.
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| Re: The Dead Sea by philn |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
24-Apr-04/5:23 PM |
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| Re: The Dead Sea by philn |
philn 152.163.252.168 |
24-Apr-04/6:27 PM |
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I wasn't really sure how to end it, so that's why the third stanza doesn't really work right now. I wanted to see what people thought before I spent the time finishing it off and changing the ending.
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| Re: Exclamatory Abuse by Blindpoetry |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
24-Apr-04/6:52 PM |
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"to[o] cold" quick - fix and repost.
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| Re: Exclamatory Abuse by Blindpoetry |
wilco 24.176.102.131 |
24-Apr-04/7:26 PM |
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