Re: Suicide Girl by wilco	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	18-Apr-04/8:37 AM
Best line: "Fading fast and learning slow." S3 doesn't quite fit, seems to conflict with the chorus. I can picture this girl, and that makes it good poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	18-Apr-04/8:49 AM
The puffer fish I've seen while snorkeling in Hawaii swell up so their spines stick out and thereby become offensive to preditors, which doesn't quite match a girl's blushing cheeks. Maybe you are talking about another kind of puffer fish. A trout tossed on the bank does not seem like something a boy would resist in the way he might resist her dance. I think I see what you ar saying about the girl's attractiveness, but I wish the similis fit better into my understanding.
Re: On The Inside by EvenPicturesFade	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	18-Apr-04/8:54 AM
At least you're not worrying about being a fake any more. But you lack focus. Try to get a grip and write a cohereant something about this.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	18-Apr-04/8:59 AM
I Don't know whether to laugh or get mad. Shouldn't that be: "I was afraid you might spin me"
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.168.106	18-Apr-04/11:38 AM
Ace, its about a child being pushed too high on a swing and falling off right?
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 67.240.155.212	18-Apr-04/4:19 PM
Above/loves. Suggested revise: "She sucks me, fucks me, leaves me there, In a harness as she fists (or gloves) me."
Re: Love Under Will by Tyriana	zodiac 67.240.211.201	18-Apr-04/5:00 PM
My god. Zero. Terribly, earnestly zero. God, I do hate running across these witchy 'chaunts' here. "A new-forged ring," indeed. After reading this one, I find my ring enlarged by a magickal factor of 6.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.40.112	18-Apr-04/7:01 PM
at least you have a comment now...
regarding some deleted poem...	sarah 68.254.109.126	18-Apr-04/7:06 PM
nice... very nice. good one. this really speaks to me right now. thanks.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	18-Apr-04/7:18 PM
Verse 1 says that because I am old I have no sense. Verse 2 says that you, being younger, are superior. Verse 3 says absolutely nothing. Verse 4 says you will stay young and stupid forever. Brilliant!
Re: Do You Like It by hotwire	wilco 24.176.102.131	18-Apr-04/7:52 PM
As a man, I cannot help but give this a 10.
Re: nonsense by sarah	wilco 24.176.102.131	18-Apr-04/8:05 PM
This is a good idea and a good poem. To be nitpicky, though, I think you mean Rorschach.
Re: The Flame by Fire_is_cool	some deleted user 68.66.196.168	18-Apr-04/8:44 PM
Now maybe you've swung too far into vagueness. That's ok, you seem to get better with each new poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	sarah 68.254.109.126	18-Apr-04/9:07 PM
if everyone is suggesting (and i'm new here totally loving this)... but i'd suggest "masquerades" or "will attire" although attires could be choppy. or maybe "ensembeles". i don't know. it does stick there but i get the point. depending on your delivery and all... could be just perfect the way it is. my two sense.
Re: The Flame by Fire_is_cool	sarah 68.254.109.126	18-Apr-04/9:10 PM
sorry - didn't like it. need to elaborate or something i think. diggin the concept but it didn't pack enough punch (in my very humble opinion). just being real. hope not to offend you know...
Re: Ode to the bright one by tre	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	18-Apr-04/10:28 PM
I think your previous work is better... you're trying too hard to be deep. Loosen up and let things flow; if they're deep they're deep, but don't force it :-)
Re: Dear M Foucault, or, How I knew our relationship was doomed by zodiac	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	18-Apr-04/10:36 PM
Did you know that Foucault's first book was the "History of Sexuality?" Leave it to a French philosopher.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	18-Apr-04/10:41 PM
i may end it with one more line... something like "and back again." you started with a four line stanza and the rest were three liners. ending with a four, sandwiching the middle stanzans, may change the flow a little bit. something to try, can't hurt.
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	18-Apr-04/10:46 PM
if you want a good personal perspective, position the speaker in a place where he sees a photograph of the man just buried. looking at something and recounting a memory from it, as well as the double use for being able to see his smile, can be very powerful with the right imagery. jumping on the bandwagon, 8
regarding some deleted poem...	ggawrysi 147.9.151.22	18-Apr-04/10:49 PM
personalize it. we read this from a third person, omniscient perspective. switch into a character for a stanza and bring the reader in.