Re: Knuckle Bait by niyama	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	8-Apr-04/5:36 PM
Should be more. Maybe less. I'm wonderin if maybe this could be combined with the one I just read...
Re: Wrath by niyama	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	8-Apr-04/5:37 PM
Good topic; feels fresh.
Re: Polyester Mustache by Bachus	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:32 PM
boring?
Re: Polyester Mustache by Bachus	zodiac 67.240.192.172	8-Apr-04/4:09 PM
Upon first reading your title, I thought, hmm, an improbable adjective-noun pairing... what's he doing, ripping off Shuushin? Then I realized - no!!! It's a polar opposite to my own post, 'Hologram Glasses'! Yen and Yang!!! Then the force of the ejaculation that ensued from this realization flipped me backwards in my swivel office chair laying me up with a concussion so severe that for a splendorous minute upon awakening I thought I was wcrystal lane swiftw. Everything was very beautiful and pink translucent plastic and I met Jesus and we danced all night to 'Lady In Red' and in the morning he married me with a piece of his Holy Foreskin. Then I awoke in a puddle of pinkish jizz with an unholy hangover and a swollen ringpiece that spoke of terrible buggering. The point being, clench should be clinch, I believe, and great poem.
Re: Swan Lake by Caducus	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:27 PM
The subject matter is so, so, so done. And yet, I love the twisting of your language, and you do so much with the imagery. I hate you. :) "sorrows pebbles" versus "sorrow pebbles" or "sorrow's pebbles" did confuse me, though.
Re: Beth by horus8	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:35 PM
"calling you out to see you" seems awkward flow. I like the overall rhythm that I'm reading this in. This is truly beautiful. Perhaps a topic over-explored, with not much in content to step it above the rest, but the melody is sweet and haunting. :)
Re: A Little Further by thepinkbunnyofdoom	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:40 PM
divits -> divets through out -> throughout I like the idea, less so the execution. With four lines, the second is awkward and the fourth is just a tongue twister.
Re: La théologie pour les Politiciens by wilco	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:44 PM
hilarious. some of them are definitely weaker than others (#2, #4, #5). But, you know, just hilarious. :)
Re: J.F.K. by thing1	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:55 PM
I don't understand this at all, especially the ending and the title. The flow is smooth, the descriptions decent, but the content has passed me by.
Re: merry-go-round by thing1	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/4:56 PM
cute, but not very interesting.
Re: ritual of now intensified by nentwined	niyama 128.97.253.2	8-Apr-04/5:01 PM
I really like this one. A couple of comments: - L1 - the repetition of "press" kind of sticks for me...maybe 'sink the plunger' or some such? - L2 & 3 are awesome together - L4 maybe strike 'act'? I like it with just 'ritual' - L6 'mystical hypodermic' - while I generally dislike the word 'mystical' i like it here. feels very...coffee house to me. - L7 strike "brown"? 'Russet on its own is great - L8 'tasting themselves' awesome! - L9 what about 'held the cup up'...to my face feels obvious to me - L10 'warmth tingles' what about 'warm tingles'? All in all I love it! Don't mind the comments above, don't think you need to worry about the opinion of cricket girl...*bleh*! =o)
Re: Oh No! by foothangingoutofass	niyama 128.97.253.2	8-Apr-04/5:16 PM
OW MY EYE!
regarding some deleted poem...	wilco 24.176.102.131	8-Apr-04/5:18 PM
Usually, I really like your stuff...but I'm just not feeling this one, sorry.
Re: ritual of now intensified by nentwined	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	8-Apr-04/5:21 PM
nice to see you. linebreak after "slowly," right? This would be awesome read outloud.
Re: Lost Girl by niyama	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	8-Apr-04/5:33 PM
is you from 100poems?? I like this - lowercase "i" sticks out though.
Re: Lost Girl by niyama	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/5:38 PM
lowercase 'I' sticks out, and "in to" seems it should be "into". But yes. :)
Re: Knuckle Bait by niyama	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/5:39 PM
cute, but a little awkward towards the end.
Re: Wrath by niyama	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/5:39 PM
I am not Shuushin, really, and I'm not just voting what he voted, really. This is silly (not the poem; it is good). :)
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	8-Apr-04/5:41 PM
Would be most excellent in the martini glass were not repeated. I like the cleanness of this. I'm gonna hammer it until you fix it.
Re: if only i could tell by nolan	nentwined 66.92.28.14	8-Apr-04/5:42 PM
"inner tissue of my soul" seems out of place, though it inspired me to write a short something that I can't post because the guy who runs this place is too much of a nazi and I already posted one thing today. But, moving on-- surronded -> surrounded overall, this poem reads very awkwardly for me, and doesn't say much new for the path it treads. I like the last four lines the best.