| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 67.240.155.227 |
7-Apr-04/5:37 AM |
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A highway collision of racist, ignorant, and poor affectation of an indeterminate accent so boring that no one, in fact, slows to watch. To appear more stupid in a single post, you'd have to actually somehow make my monitor drool.
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| Re: The Hell With Growing Up by wilco |
fevriere 62.254.128.6 |
7-Apr-04/7:40 AM |
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Personally, I dislike cancer being used as a metaphor, especially for something like time because to me, the two things are entirely different. But this is hardly a constructive criticism.
The final line isn't poetic but the sentiment could go very far and the couplet structure is probably the best form for it. Excellent start but as yet I consider it a bit of a rough gem.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 147.154.235.53 |
7-Apr-04/7:47 AM |
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I've thought of doing the line breaks like you have - it does make for a good flow, doesn't it.
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| Re: The Pear Blossom Highway by Shardik |
Shuushin 147.154.235.53 |
7-Apr-04/7:48 AM |
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| Re: A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
Shuushin 147.154.235.53 |
7-Apr-04/7:49 AM |
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I can appreciate the wordplay with the el sounds and the low sounds.
Good consistent imagery; nice.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 147.154.235.53 |
7-Apr-04/7:50 AM |
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hey, how bout a couple line breaks?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
fevriere 62.254.128.6 |
7-Apr-04/10:36 AM |
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'A partner for the race'?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 66.213.67.10 |
7-Apr-04/11:34 AM |
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I know exactly how that feels.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 66.213.67.10 |
7-Apr-04/11:39 AM |
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I think its more of a lyric than a freeverse, emotion beautifully Displayed and easily absorbed.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 66.213.67.10 |
7-Apr-04/11:45 AM |
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The image on the 'don't slip' just doesn't seem to fit right. Maybe an Aliteration to Humpty Dumpty would work better, I love the end point.
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| Re: My heart had a war...no body won by sonawrote |
thepinkbunnyofdoom 66.213.67.10 |
7-Apr-04/11:55 AM |
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Childish Longing, followed by Adult Realization. The first few stanza's(Thanks Zodiac for making that happen) Seemed a tad pouty and rather brat like, but the last few show true wisdom. -10-
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.86.113.159 |
7-Apr-04/2:53 PM |
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I have to ask... Are all your love poemes about horus8?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 152.30.11.101 |
7-Apr-04/2:16 PM |
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HEY, wCRYSTALw! HAVE A GOOGLE CLICHE COUNT - DELUXE EDITION*!!
~***~
Each number in parentheses represents the number of google hits returned for the phrase immediately preceding it. As a special DELUXE EDITION bonus, I've included the term +'poetry' with every search - to weed out, I don't know, census reports and such. No, it's not scientific, but I think it'll give you a pretty good idea of how much shame you should be feeling at the moment for being a COLLEGE GRADUATE who writes like this. Ready? Here we go!!
~***~
Perhaps I ought to fight this dream (6)
Of having you forever (100)
Let it die (1,580)
Put it on a shelf (190)
And swear I donât want you (16,900)
Maybe it really isnât
You (67)
That I want anyhow (5)
I could just want this meta-relationship
Want the want (61) [want] I have for you (2)
All of this frustration (12) builds and builds
And manifests itself
As (50) volumes of rough, unfinished poetry (141)
Uneaten meals (16), hours of depression (40), thoughts of giving up (28)
Late night conversations (429) expressing desires yet unfulfilled (1)
Music takes me away (17)
Someone elseâs songs (57); their lyrics and instruments
Playing over and over (776)
For somehowâ¦when I listen
Your sweet scent fills the air (4) and your touch warms my skin (1)
I know not why (2,610)
You are the perfect one (22)
I ought to question myself (823)
Convince myself that (2,840) this is fleeting (37)
My efforts are in vain (49)
Total Shame Index: 26,864
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| Re: You Crossed My Mind by gregg333 |
Tara57 147.9.40.112 |
7-Apr-04/5:37 PM |
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I like the way it sounds..."you rolled by like a slow freight train" I like the tone and feeling of the poem. Its a bit simple for though the poem its self is a deep metaphor..I almost wish it was longer but I still think its great!!
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| Re: The most trite garbage ever(in other words my love life) by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
Tara57 147.9.40.112 |
7-Apr-04/5:44 PM |
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I wasn't sure if I liked this poem very much until I saw that it was a pimple...So in that case it fits perfectly well done
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| Re: A Little Further by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
Tara57 147.9.40.112 |
7-Apr-04/5:50 PM |
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| Re: The Kings of Paradise by Spindle |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
7-Apr-04/7:18 PM |
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All too many "all"s ...
zodiac, you're starting to scare me.
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| Re: Martyrs in suburbia - (we wander like breezes) by zodiac |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
7-Apr-04/7:46 PM |
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Me wander? should be "I and Jesus and Joan..."
and whats with martyr-dom? did you paste it from dictionary.com, by any chance?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 24.176.102.131 |
7-Apr-04/7:52 PM |
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| Re: A Little Further by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
Spindle 68.83.2.194 |
7-Apr-04/8:08 PM |
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