| Re: A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
wilco 24.176.102.131 |
6-Apr-04/1:34 PM |
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nice. You don't hear much about old Ra and Osiris these days...I wonder what they're up to?
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| Re: A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.86.113.159 |
6-Apr-04/2:20 PM |
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A shockingly brown autoclam. -10-
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| Re: A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
6-Apr-04/2:36 PM |
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A lesson in dictionary usage, and things Egyptian and Japanese. Miasma is a noun, but that's ok. Uracil is a colorless, crystalline, pyrimidine base, and not too well known. I'd prefer a more common word. Same for sessile.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
6-Apr-04/3:11 PM |
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but you took your Passion poem about suicide and called this a revision of it. Okay, I just wondered, being a bit of a newcomer. But,no, the comments are supposed to remain when you do that. You only get one poem every two days, right? How about a little inside info?
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| Re: A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
zodiac 152.18.33.194 |
6-Apr-04/4:15 PM |
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I feel like whenever I try to make a substantive comment on your poems you're like ohmygod bitch, like you can even and shit, but here goes:
I don't see why you didn't write "down a path lit with hibachi, (comma)" or something besides "as the waters miasma". Or why this doesn't make more like your usual amount of sense.
But you do deserve props for inventing the first courier-specific poetry with your truly magical villanelle "Often, I'll sit down to pee." And for being the world's first successful Negro soul transplant. -10-
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| Re: Over you by tre |
jsd 147.9.165.67 |
6-Apr-04/5:46 PM |
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Heh TR I think it's kind of funny... and the line "I hate that you can even make my rhyme." is appropriate for this poem as you usually don't rhyme :)
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
jsd 147.9.165.67 |
6-Apr-04/5:47 PM |
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I think the first stanza flows well, has a nice beat to it...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
jsd 147.9.165.67 |
6-Apr-04/5:49 PM |
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The last two stanzas are what really make it for me, and yeah the lines should be broken up differently, but I mentally just kind of split them where I felt the natural break should be... the weird line breaks certainly don't prevent the pattern of it from coming out, especially near the end, because it's so well done there :)
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| Re: Poop! by dougsoderstrom |
Shardik 24.130.214.180 |
6-Apr-04/6:05 PM |
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Doug, you're running on empty mate.
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| Re: dc by jsd |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
6-Apr-04/6:28 PM |
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This is a good poem, just a bit too wordy.
For example:
every raindrop echoes wet,
soaks you through and through,
damp air, polluted view
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| Re: An Awaited and Long Deserved Spring by <Wankster> |
some deleted user 68.66.196.168 |
6-Apr-04/6:32 PM |
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I don't see how keeping it all inside causes all these happenings.
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| Re: The Pear Blossom Highway by Shardik |
zodiac 67.240.59.117 |
6-Apr-04/6:55 PM |
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Welcome back. Without you here I had to be the gay one. I was awful at it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 24.176.102.131 |
6-Apr-04/7:22 PM |
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hmmmmm, vedy intewesting.
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| Re: Cynical? by baughworm |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
6-Apr-04/7:57 PM |
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line break between that/they're is ungood.
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| Re: The MV-perience by Modulo |
embersandenvelopes 24.152.203.178 |
6-Apr-04/9:46 PM |
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| Re: dc by jsd |
Tara57 147.9.40.112 |
6-Apr-04/10:19 PM |
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I love the flow of this poem my favorite lines...autumn always made me feel alone, and so this is fall in a yuppie town...I can see where it can get a bit weighed down by being to wordy however, the entire poem has a solid tone and mood to it. I very much enjoyed it!!
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| Re: Almost One by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
Tara57 147.9.40.112 |
6-Apr-04/10:32 PM |
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I had to read this poem a few times to get a good feel for it...but I like it despite it being a bit convoluted in certain parts.
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| Re: Twilight Affair by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
Tara57 147.9.40.112 |
6-Apr-04/10:37 PM |
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Been there!! I think this could be a great poem if you revise it a bit...make the ideas crisper and the images jump out more...but you nailed the emotion felt it coming out of the page...9
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| Re: Those British Boys by embersandenvelopes |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-Apr-04/2:11 AM |
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A frightfully apt guff disseminator.
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| Re: A Quick Lick Of Yellow by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
7-Apr-04/2:14 AM |
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A timelessly, hand crafted guff-lung hewn from tramp-gusset scrappings.
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