regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	25-Mar-04/2:16 PM
the comma and the semicolon - and the period, can go. what kindof train now? what kind of cargo? Flesh those details in and I will up me score.
Re: how i love by elizabethann	Richard 172.160.90.115	25-Mar-04/2:48 PM
Still, it's nice. A humble poet is not to be taken lightly :)
regarding some deleted poem...	Richard 172.160.90.115	25-Mar-04/3:02 PM
Good work, makes you think and connect on different levels. It's too bad that childhood really messes us up as adults.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	25-Mar-04/3:08 PM
Hypatia - this sits well, goes full circle in a solid way. I have to say though some of the rhymes are too easy to be impressive - the AA BB CC doesn't help that; hard to appreciate the meaning with that distraction - for me anyway. It walks this line of almost being cheeky on purpose. But then its too serious for that at the same time. You might be able to help it by about half by simply interleaving the existing rhymes; making it AB AB - you'll have to do a little soft-shoe to make that happen, but you might like the effect.
Re: The Golden Candlestick by phbiscuit	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	25-Mar-04/3:16 PM
Something about the cadence of this: "In a mass choking under the weight of So much life, So much indecent need for A place to hang a hat And eat a meal By a fireplace with a gorgeous wife And two lovely daughters." that works quite well; the line breaks together with the prep phrases - usually I hate that. somehow works here, in that part at least. I'd like to see that last stanza reworded so "golden" doesn't sound like a cheap modifier, as if you said "oh, I have to put an adjective here" -a candlestick of brass/gold -a reflection in candlestick gold -a slice of cheddar cheese (usw)
Re: how i love by elizabethann	Shuushin 147.154.235.53	25-Mar-04/3:19 PM
I'm okay with it too - could do without the lowercase i's though - they distract from the piece too much. Too much self depreciation can get old quickly.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/5:38 PM
I'm sorry but despite all the nice clean-ups in the upper half, the last line isn't really working. That ".But." construct - thumbs down. How bout a suggestion by the machines that they could help them be more perfect? - something ominous maybe (removing an organ or two, dunno). I don't know the details of what that could be, but I think you could figure something out. fix the commas and apostrophe's too, will ya?
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/5:44 PM
I can only echo hypatia on this one. This may be fixed somewhat by doing it as a third person, making a character to recollect the missing Bob. That way you could maybe show the emotional impact without having to tell it. Plus, readers tend to be unsympathetic toward first person perspectives. Try it.
Re: The Cry of Lorquine by MacFrantic	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/5:53 PM
nice title. "but yet" - pick one (not but). Lie. what made you think they were hopeless? What did that scene look like? Show me that. Does the last line [of the poem] mean that the line, as in ancestry, was lost? Lorquine is a type of butterfly, isn't it?
Re: Colors Collide by Blindpoetry	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:42 PM
quen[t]ched (no T) - quick fix it before u get votes!
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.169.177.107	25-Mar-04/6:46 PM
This sounds of Frost and frost, and dirty snow. And like Frost I fear you hide dark meanings in pastoral scenes. Nice.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:48 PM
LoL tintagiles - my post is a very similar theme - yet it was put up not 2 minutes before yours! I doubt you had time to see it, so it was prolly coincidence - pretty funny. anyway - I like yours. The crown of tears is a nice pull, as is the dirge line. Preposition use is okay, I might trim 2 or three though - at least kill the "up" after "Puddling"
Re: Colors Collide by Blindpoetry	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:56 PM
Well, I like it for the unusual construction. Does the repetition work? Might be a tad overdone. I wonder what the consensus will be. Either way I can deal with it. The last fourth is a bit pimply yet it stays entertaining enough - probably because it doesn't come off as taking itself too seriously.
regarding some deleted poem...	electroman1979 198.81.26.15	25-Mar-04/6:56 PM
i like it, keep up the good work, lets hear some more
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/6:58 PM
The transition between the two stanzas via the same/aim rhyme is excellent. The only "improvement" I can offer is to delete the line "The meaning's unclear". Its redundant and smacks of triteness. have a 10.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 68.169.177.107	25-Mar-04/7:00 PM
At first it seems like another love-that-guy-who-wont-love-me poem and itself a cliche. And maybe that's all you mean. But I think if you'd rework the ending, it could show a greater meaning.
Re: Colors Collide by Blindpoetry	some deleted user 68.169.177.107	25-Mar-04/7:31 PM
"More transparent than ever." Some good free-flow imaging, and too many repeats for my taste. It's a poem I feel and don't feel a need to understand.
Re: Colors Collide by Blindpoetry	Blindpoetry 68.106.171.15	25-Mar-04/7:42 PM
When colors collide and make one color, it will turn into a different color, correct? ... and if all the colors in the world collided, then the resulting color would, in fact, be black. Black meaning confusion and distaste, maybe? ...you know that if you mix the colors that they will all turn black, but you don't know why... Kind of like this poem. I 'collided' all of my thoughts and made them turn into a 'black' color... Confusion and distaste, if not any other adjective. You know that if you mix all of your thoughts togather, they won't make any sense, but you don't know why. Or maybe we do. Because the words don't make sense? ... but colors make sense. You see the black, don't you? ... and you see the words. So you don't know why. You see the words. You see the black. You don't understand why the words don't make sense. Why can't they be re-arranged to make sense? ...Why is the color black the resulting color? ... Why not pink, blue, brown, red, purple? ... Eh... Thats how i think of the poem and how i named it... - of course, this could make no sense, whatsoever and I could be making a fool of myself (which is was i'm feeling right now) .... But... I think its healthy to express my thoughts every once in a while, don't you think?
Re: Untitled *involves taking pills and cutting with razors* by AskittlesK	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/8:19 PM
I like the flow of it and it stays to the right side of overdone. You need a title? how about "Final Cut"
Re: Tennessee by wilco	Shuushin 207.5.211.177	25-Mar-04/8:47 PM
were these spellingbads here before? peices beleieved gons