regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/9:57 AM
"of those gone before" I don't think you need that. (cause)moose horns to blow. drop the cause. lay claim to (me) why just encompass one part of yourself? These are my suggestions. Do as you will
Re: Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer	richa 81.178.233.186	15-Jan-04/11:32 AM
Nice ideas but too didactic. It is not for you to tell the reader how it is but to relate your feelings and perceptions. Chinese room - a man is sent into a room not understanding chinese, but nevertheless given a book which helps him transform chinese questions into answers.
Re: EGG by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	Princess_Snowflake 209.175.47.253	15-Jan-04/11:33 AM
The poem you wrote so doesn't make any sense? What kind of poet are you?
regarding some deleted poem...	horus8 24.126.112.80	14-Jan-04/1:51 PM
Maybe then? You should stop being so queer.
Re: Dry Beast Night by fevriere	horus8 24.126.112.80	14-Jan-04/1:54 PM
Good, but irk? My ownly complaint would be a touch muddled, but highly imaginative. Structure was flawless, bravo.
regarding some deleted poem...	nicole081083 216.24.109.105	14-Jan-04/2:43 PM
Maybe you do need prozac...LOL...J/k...Luv ya
Re: Up. by fevriere	horus8 24.126.112.80	14-Jan-04/4:11 PM
Liked it.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	14-Jan-04/6:43 PM
bean? seems a little humorous for this. intended?
Re: War zone by INTRANSIT	Joe-joe 68.194.47.34	14-Jan-04/11:46 PM
Ah the joys of fatherhood. I have 2 teenaged daughters and therefore have had much experience in the "War Zone" you allude to here.....cold sweats....flashbacks...lost nights of sleep....the whole 9 yards! I like the connection you've made here between the cosmetic practices of teenaged girls and the battlefield. It definately works. The "Stop using my makeup BITCH" line made me chuckle....true love between sisters hath never been so strongly expressed! Stay strong...this too will pass. -9- See ya on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway!
Re: War zone by INTRANSIT	god'swife 67.73.35.35	15-Jan-04/12:51 AM
I grew up with a sister. Only 11 monthes between us. She was older and a perfect bitch. Pretty fucking scary. Thanks for the poem, the tome is yet to be compiled, but if I did, I would certainly include this excellent truth. We are ruthless, we girls. But women are wholey some other thing. Just wait. Your barbarous offspring will grow into your best supply of joys once again. You'll see.
Re: The woods house by zodiac	god'swife 67.73.35.35	15-Jan-04/1:07 AM
Brilliance. How excellent to see it. After so long in the swamp, finally a bit of art. 'It was a bad near miss' and from then on the poem takes hold of me, lovers trying to save a small life together, naked. their hearts just as frail, and their present life snared together. I love this poem. You have a harsh, poignant talent. My favorite.
Re: The woods house by zodiac	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/5:51 AM
smokin' good. I don't think you need breaks at all. Look up poetandknowit and compare. Unless you are he.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.210.153	15-Jan-04/5:56 AM
Quite good, a lot of the worst poems on p/r are predominantly narrative like this so you have done well to make the words seem fresh. Couple of picks: 'like my getaway' you do not have a getaway of your own aside from the voice. Voice is my getaway makes more sense. Likewise with 'my pathway'
Re: Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/5:58 AM
I like the title. why is the say nothing in quotes? Has it been said before? damn. that's a really good direction to take this poem. sprinkling it with the poetic theory. love the closure.
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/6:26 AM
two buts-disrupt the flow. I hate this because I'm a bit of a traditionalist,yet it works. Hmmm.
Re: O Endless Angst, Thou Stingeth Me by Goad	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/6:32 AM
Your cloaking device is failing.
Re: Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/6:37 AM
Not quite. intermix the theory with the cooking. Make it SLOPPY! It's too neat. We can see what's in the soup. Make us taste it. I know. It's painful to break it up and start over sort of. I can show you one of mine where My metaphor was so good I had to extend it and the poem morphed into something better. if you want.
Re: Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/6:39 AM
Skull soup is fine title-wise.
regarding some deleted poem...	zodiac 67.240.211.45	15-Jan-04/8:55 AM
I don't know how - somehow it says something. We must have be on some kind of similar free-associative wavelength. It's got a structure that's right on the tip of my tongue. Normally I'd say the trickery with the punctuation (especially the periods and lack thereof in the first stanza) is artsy and unnecessary, but not when you do it. Really. Serendipity, maybe. Or pure science. 'Comrade' is borderline over-poetic.
Re: Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer	INTRANSIT 205.188.208.105	15-Jan-04/9:46 AM
Definitely better. I'd still mix it a bit more. Compare: Middleman to Lunge-fish. Middleman was first. Sorry to leave you hangin'. I'm trying a financial hail-mary move right now. It's fly or die time.