Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	richa 81.179.247.122	14-Apr-07/7:42 AM
I like this. Of the two refrains 'my favourite lover, English, is great in bed' is by far the best. A couple of places where it loses its discipline. 'I pity romancers who have tears shed' is forced. And the fifth verse isn't as good as the others.
Re: Easter by thetrev	Dovina 75.82.86.162	14-Apr-07/6:39 PM
Just vague enough to keep distance, clear enough to intrigue. I love S4.
regarding some deleted poem...	bwaha 64.12.116.9	14-Apr-07/9:06 PM
I culled this list from your first couple of verses. With the exception of perhaps "bitterness" and "insane" you are stuck at an elementary vocabulary level. Unless you are going for pimple(in which case, categorize it as such), it would be helpful to spice up your language. Use some vivid and evocative words that specifically pin point how you are feeling. Like, when you said there would be "loneliness, bitterness, and pain" - I know you can dig deeper than that! There are a lot of different ways to be lonely or be in pain. The reader isn't going to be able to intensely identify with those words. So get more specific. Tell us exactly what the bitterness and pain would be like. Draw the reader in so they truly can identify. ^.^ ~~~Megan
Re: Prince of Void by Dovina	bwaha 64.12.116.9	14-Apr-07/9:08 PM
How does something "[mock] to and fro"?...That line confuses me, slightly.
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Dovina 75.51.248.14	15-Apr-07/1:21 PM
I think you want a period after bed in S4. L2,S5 needs a more descriptive last word I think; and "so" is a weak word. Otherwise this is unique and good.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 86.145.26.190	16-Apr-07/1:46 AM
lol! There is no way in the seven hells that I can give this anything less than a ten
Re: Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Ranger 86.145.26.190	16-Apr-07/1:49 AM
Still good, what was changed? You might want to trim a few commas - and richa's got a point about the 'tears shed' line. If you were to enjamb that line it would help the stanza flow a bit more as well.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 86.145.26.190	16-Apr-07/2:03 AM
This is the best thing you have posted recently.
regarding some deleted poem...	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	16-Apr-07/3:49 AM
Are you writing poems about the luminaries on this excellent site? Please write about me next.
regarding some deleted poem...	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	16-Apr-07/3:53 AM
How delightfully apposite!
Re: Prince of Void by Dovina	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	16-Apr-07/4:02 AM
Why is everyone writing rubish poems about other users all of a sudden they're not funny, or clever, or good. It is a practice I will be mentioning to nentwined in our next conference call on the future of this website. We are currently planning to go for an IPO in the Summer on the proviso we can get rid of some of the more stale old crones who haunt the halls of this institution.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 63.194.26.147	16-Apr-07/3:33 PM
RockMage, this is a sad attack. Could you not attempt something better? This certainly is not kosher. Plus it's evident that he can write, simply perview his postings; there used to be more than what is shown now by the way, until he decided to delete a large portion of it... but in any case, whatever angle you attempt, it will have little or no effect. Belittling him, in essence, is simply the act of belittling yourself. But, by all means, do what you feel necessary.
Re: More and more Shuushin by mr cunt	donmiguel1960 167.206.79.227	16-Apr-07/3:47 PM
there is no point or thought in this
Re: Sympathy by Miggy	donmiguel1960 167.206.79.227	16-Apr-07/3:48 PM
I like it
Re: You by amanda_dcosta	lmp 141.154.134.3	16-Apr-07/6:09 PM
i cannot see any reason why this line should read as such: "new doors He opens" there is no rhyme that it is matching up with, but the effect of the flow is rather devastating. perhaps rework it to a more "normalized" sytax?
Re: Quatrain by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	16-Apr-07/6:14 PM
hmmm. lose the "so" in line 3. it just doesn't work somehow. i like where this goes, and it opens a host of discussion points about humanity, good and evil, etc. maybe the last word should be "sin", and then we can really throw some fuel on the fire, eh?
Re: Divorce by timvick473662003	Dovina 75.82.86.162	16-Apr-07/6:56 PM
Wouldn't it mean the same if you shortened it: Start separately Become one She takes all your stuff But then it wouldn't be 5-7-5. Pity.
Re: Broken Clay by donmiguel1960	Dovina 75.82.86.162	16-Apr-07/7:04 PM
There's a good sentiment here that could be a good poem. Get rid of half the commas (faith, that - for example); clean up the grammar; and get rid of excess words (now in the last line, just in the penultimate line) and fix the spelling - families, their.
Re: Lifes edge by donmiguel1960	donmiguel1960 69.120.223.250	17-Apr-07/3:27 AM
Life
regarding some deleted poem...	bwaha 216.162.88.130	17-Apr-07/7:11 AM
....love the changes you made :). In my opinion, they take this from simply good, to excellent. ^.^