xxx
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 10:29 PM
This only grated. Only annoyed.
Redundant and trite.
Too many we's. Too much demanded acceptance of poet's view.
The warmth of felt. ... Nice touch.
I like the last line a lot, but 'bull-mo- just sounds wrong - I think you want something a little more guttural, less weak.
Yep, a good pay off in that last stanza - you brought it round well, because the preceding few lines sound a bit gauche and awkward, but in the event that was just the tone you wanted so you could undercut it with your final sentence. Cuning.
What?
I haven't seen any of your others, but this one isn't too bad,
but there's one extra syllable in the first line.
and it's more senryu than haiku (gesundheit).
I think Darky is right on the money with this one. Each verse seems to take the reader off to a new place...without ever returning...it all seems so disjointed. However, the imagery and harmonic flow is outstanding. Then again, I could be an idiot and you a genius... I continue to be amused and somewhat perplexed by our preoccupation with religion...particularly the rancid descriptions of christian worship that dwell on this website. I wonder what lies at the bottom of this perverted preoccupation. With all there is to talk about..why..why..why... -10- for style -3- for substance... Remember....Starkist likes tunas that taste good not tunas with good taste.
The only better title I can think of is "beer, beer, beer" (j/k).
Another really nice bit of work. Cool format - it suits the piece.
Well, it has a shock factor. By L8 I was fairly medicated then WACK.
Having said that - it seems like a sucker punch.
From a sociopolitical viewpoint I really expected the child molestation angle as soon as I read the title, I just got lulled into thinking it was about something else.
Sneaky little hobitses.
I don't like the way "in" is shortly followed by "inside".
"brownness" is a difficult word because one doesn't know whether pronounce it "brown ness" or "browness". In fact, it was for that very reason (the consecutive occurrence of the same consonant) that the world famous magician and entertainer Paul Daniels actually changed is first name from Ted to Paul. May I suggest you replace "brownness" with "brownliness"?
This is one fucking big speed bump I just can't get past!! Only kidding, I would never play such a childish game with you. This work obviously did not take much effort but sometimes the best stuff we do is the shit that just comes off the top of our heads. This was amusing..And yes, I do love you...now don't be naughty..not in that way...Peace JB
Abuse of the humble apostrophe (or in this case, underuse) reaches new heights.
In parts a similar vein to Tintagiles stuff - that can't be bad.
Lose the line about the blue collar sleeps as only we who know you know that.
Ahh unless of course your pajamas have blue lapelles - but you strike me as going 'commando' when u sleep.
Just don't ask me why i think these disturbing thoughts.
if you add the word no between each of the words in the title you would have written a short poem about my life.
Makes me want to hug a tree and light incense - very VERY nice Sire ! 9
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2003, 10:14 AM
Beautiful work!