Shuushin
on recede into deceit by skaskowski
9 Oct 2003, 5:40 PM
great start, last two lines: splat.
I keep thinking about a bathroom, then horseshoes - I NEED those last two lines dammit.
"where concrete and water
meet flush with each other." is very good.
You might have used whisper one too many times.
I was digging it until I hit the word "surreal" - this is close to something very good I think.
I'm sorry this might sound severe:
The moon *IS* the tide.
"on" foot
"Water runs where dug deep" - consider "waters runs deeply where dug" - oh christ, I don't know - something.
this is cute:
"enough to baptise every man
and a little left over to drink,
wash and spit"
"and apple peels hang noses
like a history" is interesting as hell - but I am clueless.
and enough with the similies! You use them like a goat herder uses vaseline.
Wow, I guess that wasn't so bad, was it?
These two lines are stunning, perhaps in a comedic way:
"Be a lapel on my chest
to stand as a stapled reminder [.]
[o]f what i've tried to digress to,
but never lived up to.
Never was able to."
btw - the use of "digress" here sounds like a thesaurus as work - "turn", "aspire"?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 6:15 PM
This is awesome. You can be so profound, yet allow simplicity...nice...10.
Reincarnation with a twist. You are your own soul Mate?
Fun-key.
Special K.
Qweird.
A prepositional phrase slugfest.
I think Kansas said it best with, "we are merely indifferent scraps of ignorance, all we are is indifferent scraps of ignorance ..."
Consider a ";" after "wind" ("therefore" usage, actually, all of your commas here could be semi's) - keep or toss (as usual).
Simply put and to very good effect; I like it. I like it alot.
Just a hint of an ars poetical self depreciation too - I said I liked this already, right?
Is damn good. 8 from the East German.
modest rat? modest mouse? ehh? Ehh? (it's my favorite band). This makes me think of the sanitation worker strike in chicago (lots of rats).
this is sad.. but i like it.
sounds like fun!
smoking is fun! but seriously, i enjoyed this. smoke is a wonderful device to describe fluidity and infiltration.
hahaha, love it!
i love similes. this is a great story as well as a poem, and the loss conveyed within it is very moving.
i luh'dis shit! but not shit in a bad way, shit in a great way! like gold shit made from rubies too!
HAHAHAHAHAHA, it's funny cuz it's true. woops.