xxx
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2003, 8:37 AM
I am disgusted to the extreme with this character. Mayhaps sympathy was trying to be evoked. I did not feel it.
I don't think it deserves the crap mark of 4. I can see you've give it a shot, maybe you mean dank and not dang? think you need to edit.
Naughty rabbit. 6
the poem bites but the title sucks like a long distance lover 6
7 even
De Ja vous but i like it
What i don't understand i have felt and this cryptic comment you will find i like it -8
Yep ! sure floured my apron
first verse is the best, a very eccentric rhyming scheme but it seems to work.
A small criticism is the use of a narrative too much, rather than setting the scene and letting the reader infer. When the poet takes the interpetation away from the reader, the reader feels like he is prying.
Other than that good stuff
I like it. . . I just don't get what you are saying in the 4th and 5th to last lines. . .8
Robert Johnson's "Phonograph blues". (That's what I was listening to while just reading this). How are you? I missed you.
"the day children killed Jesus's great grandson." I would drop this line altogether, and end at the line before it.
Yep, this comes through loud and clear and passionate. Woof!
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ONLY PLEASE.
THANKS.
Do.
For something so long you'd better grab me very tightly fairly early on. I don't feel grabbed.
There's alot of information here, but the credibility of it gets tainted right at the start with statements like "Jesus made Pilot feel uncomfortable".
It sounds like a line made just for the sake of the rhyme (with trouble?). Unforced rhyming and solid information is *extremely* difficult.
Lots of good data, lots of great, interesting names - its just that the vehicle is a bit tedious.
And I will say, the last stanza is mostly superb.
Lastly - much of this is iambic pentameter, so I found myself trying to continue that to the not conforming lines; that makes it hard to get a consistent rythm.
Maybe you could string a couple sonnets together? Extend it by a bit to make a crown?
Good stuff.
not bad, a little long winded, I think it tries to deal with the beat 'beat' in a too reflective way.
Good ideas about why the young condescend/ wisdom teeth/ dreads etc but needs to be snappier I think, maybe with a rhyme (just my personal preference).
Don't like the title though, it is a label
It may be just my poor reading of poetry, but is the and at the end of lines 2/3/4 necessary it seems to break up the flow..
'my drinking remembers thirst' is my favourite line
This one I just found boring.