Don-Quixote
on some deleted poem
5 Oct 2003, 10:14 AM
well, i did say tighten the output.
its slightly anorexic.
(another micropoem.)
Your humor is refreshing.
I especially like....
Allah, Jehovah, Buddah,
and Satan are cracking up-
and damn eachother--- Are you running these words together on purpose by way of saying the are completely tangled up ( The Religious Folk, that is) or did you just forget to allow a space?
OOPS!
and damn eachother--- Are you running these words together on purpose by way of saying the are completely tangled up ( The Religious Folk, that is) or did you just forget to allow a space?
saying the are (I ment to say they instead of the.)
OOOPS Again!
(I ment to say they instead of the.)
I meant meant, not ment.
Gosh all Golly Jee Whis, how silly I am!
NOT SO MUCH A POEM?
THIS IS GOOD POETRY. IT HAS EVERYTHING A POEM SHOULD HAVE!{POOP}
1 is not a haiku, I think it goes 5,6,4 rather than 5-7-5, nevertheless it is snappy and kind of within the spirit of the haiku.
This like most attacks on religion though lacks the detailed analysis required for insight.
To me religion is like Dark Angel:
the non-believers know it to be bullshit, but it seems protected by its web of paradoxes and contradictions.
white and irish - cant be a gangster then.
It isn't really much of a poem, but it is a well structured story (providing it is going anywhere)
well carried, nice rhythm, a little prosaic.
And crickets never sing
through all four seasons
was my favourite phrase
'you fingered out the route'? a bit graphic perhaps
yes I get this, you are boring your kid with details you think important, and he trying to emulate you replies with details you find irrelevant, therefore reflecting on yourself.
could do with a little more lively poetic original language though
oh yeh and the relevance of perception is it stops you walking into walls
the rhythm breaks down a bit at 'through the mountain valley blissful the fungae forest meaty mushrooms'
overall it flows pretty well though
like the leafs fall at the beginning, could do with compacting though
'Now I die' seems hyperbolic and a lot of the rhymes seem forced 'knee/me, swim dim'
Still fast flowing and not too painful
Best musical since I joined.
sorry about the text-= it should read linear--will repair soon, friends
A nice narrative, I liked the punch ending. Cute.
the mother's red glow is a great image. Consider mom's instead though, either way 'twas good.
I like that it requires some thought to decipher; the sarcasm isn't immediately obvious - maybe I've just been trained to think poems about music are laudatory, dunno.
The use of mawk is interesting, too - but I don't know if that's an industry term, or a "soundword" or it's supposed to evoke a feeling of sluggish fingers... in either case, it pops out like a sour note, so I think it's appropriate.
There are some nice bits in here, but I don't know - some of the word choices make me scratch my brain: Hurryness (odd coinage), tawdry (overused), lamed fur (yes, it is a correct usage, but hardly anyone will interpret it as interwoven fabric, they will more likely think of an animal with a broken leg), ardour(? missing a verb or something)
I could see this being interesting if it were carried to an extreme, so from that sense it's kindof cool.
If you are moved to tweek this, consider choosing the specific brand of cigarette, and maybe build on the, "his eyes flashed out by too many dusks rubbing rust into his eyes" because that, actually, has a nice flavor to it. Howbout replacing "bawdy jokes" with maybe a punch-line from one?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
5 Oct 2003, 8:36 PM
Short, sweet, and profound...fabulous!!!