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poetry_rancour 142.205.240.27 |
13-Mar-07/12:43 PM |
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Go on then, a 7 for sheer whimsy!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
mikeeb 207.195.60.154 |
13-Mar-07/1:02 PM |
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A most enjoyable read, thank you. I might suggest that "Boom box in the sky" is rather cliché, but that's just my humble opinion.
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| Re: Within by drnick |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:10 PM |
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This is brilliant, just brilliant
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| Re: The Landscape by Sasha |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:13 PM |
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I assume the translation is as good as it reads. The poeme's 50-50 on the ace/turd spectrum though.
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| Re: Pedaling West by Dovina |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:19 PM |
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This is more like a diary entry in verses. I don't think there's anything wrong with that per se, but it needs to be delivered in either an interesting or easyflowing manner - I hate to say this but rhymes would do the trick here. It feels like you've gone for straight iambic meter but I think it needs more than that. Either that or some truly staggering imagery throughout.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 75.82.86.162 |
13-Mar-07/1:19 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:20 PM |
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| Re: Pedaling West by Dovina |
Quarton 12.206.226.220 |
13-Mar-07/1:22 PM |
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Good poem. It has a nice flow and the "ride" is one of life itself expressed through riding your bike. I really do like this and the message it contains.
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| Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:22 PM |
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'My mitts are hermits' is great, if only it wasn't for the final line...this would be ace. Word inversion works sometimes but when the rest of the poeme is in a straightforward structure it's like a punch in the colon.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:25 PM |
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Cut this down into simple iambic pentameter. That way you'll be able to tidy it easily. It's not an original idea within this, but then, who said poetry has to always be novel?
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| Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe |
Dovina 75.82.86.162 |
13-Mar-07/1:26 PM |
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Ranger is right - the last line inversion sucks.
The internal rhymes of Verse 1 are nice.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 75.82.86.162 |
13-Mar-07/1:31 PM |
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breath should be breathe. A good metaphor, but somewhat repetitive, and a bit too obvious. It doesn't work well in a sonnet as written, free verse maybe.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:32 PM |
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Kipling does single mother moral poetry? Tighten up the metrics and this will be perfectly readable, I'd say.
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| Re: snacktime by jesslew |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:48 PM |
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Cute, richa's right about the last line though. Pick something less bland to say.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:53 PM |
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Best thing I've read on here in ages.
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| Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/1:59 PM |
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May I make another suggestion? Keep the internal rhymes going throughout, they work well in the first stanza.
And be prepared for people to read 'My hands brave the Winter's groin'.
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| Re: Pearl by Greeny |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
13-Mar-07/2:37 PM |
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I liked most of this except for stanza 4
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| Re: Abused Light by Greeny |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
13-Mar-07/2:50 PM |
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The abused light is an intriguing word choice but the reader is not let in why you think it is appropriate. I like the again grain rhyme. Some of the others are a little obvious.
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| Re: Her Mitts by Nepanthe |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
13-Mar-07/2:57 PM |
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I think the second verse changes the metre a bit but that is not necessarily a problem.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
13-Mar-07/2:59 PM |
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A grammar deviant appears to have doctored your poeme to include the word whereas several times for no good reason. The second verse is good.
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