Caducus
on Twenty Cigarette Burns Ago by DurtKL
13 Aug 2003, 5:37 AM
Lyric?
Last 6 lines were the most vivid but the opening is too gay and sugary for a depressive like me 6
Excellent job its not pretentious, and I think its very poignant (especially the end, so sudden and final). Line one is also quite a beautiful thought, a mental ocean, that one line spawns so many thoughts like clams, drowning in yourself, being consumed, blue etc,
This is raw and lingers, I have e0mailed it to my inbox (as i write so many death/angst poems take this a compliment) 10
The title's shit though.
Enjoyable but the titles so paisley.
Very expressive.
Are the painters in?
Sounds like you need a vacation.
I like that restaurant, and especially rape.
I like it.Very symbolic.
question:any chance you could look and review mine, the last two on my list?
supreme. i like the feeling in it.the imagery is so vivid.
question:i have asked a few people to look at the last two in my list,would you too?
Liked the satire and scathing words that leaves an aftertaste, this was a great laY *9*
(the title sucks though)
Love the title and the repetition of it works well in contrast with the poem. Some good stuff today on here 8
Hangs together with much beauty. Its so accessible and I really gave a shit about the characterizations you made.
Smooth as a silkworm 10
i enojoy the amount of anxiety and the kind of tumbling of words that seems to come from having no breaks.
i would find this clicheed, except that you used the word "Ironadoxical" (made up, more correctly, i suppose :)), and just the general fact that you use your words well.
Ha! i like it, if only because i'm still laughing.
It's the shape of the poem that i like...
Why not imply the musician plays her emotions as well as his instrument, she being the instrument of lust. Most musicians shag non-stop. the line 'she dances along to the beat' is too basic, this is one possibility that impulsively came to me ..she glides like pollen in to a thorn' (so she's dancing in to trouble, in to pain because he will hurt her) and finally name the damn instrument as they say so much, you got the sultry sax, the sad violin, the reverberating cello? which instrument is it? maybe link it to the woman who loves him.
Its not bad as it is but it could be as dark angel would put it----------ACE 6
A mixed bag here. Its heartfelt and easy to relate too but it offers little imagination for such a saturated theme thats been done 1000s of times. I actually did like this though, not all poems need to be perfect, this says what it needs too with clarity and basic expression ....7
Actually silk worms are ribbed not smooth so that puts a rocket up my ass.