Murder is for the brave, knaive.

hehe... everyone dreams of dying.. 10

Very clever! ...and labour intensive. I am humbled as I still have a hard time spelling "hell" upside down on the calculator.

That's it. I quit.

Jeepster

Splittingly accurate.

legal speed the american way

The last stanza fails to surmise the gist of your message. Perhaps, close with another observation on the drink that you're writing about.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. otters lick toxic wounds. hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah fluvial ventricles. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah. you cannot expect a true and mature poet to take this seriously. I supoose it won some high school contest or a million dollar prize at the website everyone bitches about. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Have you ever heard the old records of T.S. reading the wasteland. I bet you write in the voice. Looooooook at theeeeeeeeeeeeee barren dregs offfff drudgereeeeeeeee; the beaver fights with breviteeeeeeeee; the squreeeeerl die at the hand off a glooooowing aaaaacorn.

But seriously now. By hearing you whine as swine the other day I have started to figure that you just don't get it, and then to hear from the snipped brother that you are not fond of the rewrite was just another in a long line of many examples where you work suffers. In this piece, it is trying to mix a simple setting with overbearing themes dealing with the almighty FATE and TIME. Can't you figure out a way to simply these concepts into images? Because when you say things like "FATE is a flat line. la de da" it sounds, well, just hokey. And then you throw goofy rhyme schemes into the picture and you have a true piece of comic genius. Then the fact that people fall for the crap shows why we are continually failing as the human race. A subject like this is so fragile and the line is so fine when you are dealing with it that there is little room for generalizing. Everything has to be specific, even if you have to throw out wild images like an embalmer calling at 3am. It works on that level. It does not here because anyone who has gone through this knows that there is a bereavement period after the death and in most cases a huge amount of relief and sadness thrown into the picture. It is not like they just kick you out and bring in a new patient. There is paper work; there are phone calls. There is usually an unbearable silence. Everyone knows that the monitor is long gone in the situation you are talking about so most likely the only way you would know someone dead is by the breathing and that is even tough, This situation isn't the ER. I feel like you showed up for the show and when the movie was over simply went home and wrote a bad poem. Where are the guts? I think you will find that in simplifying the language and the context of what you are saying you will have more sucess. Finding precise images in each line and not one's that everyone is familiar with because the watch too much TV.

I prefer your closing line because it seems (she) was a lover or girlfriend. and you're going home to silence or the lack of a second body. I think Zs suggestion would lead me to think "mother". Croupier? absolutely.

Tnis poem comes from a time in my life when I was less comfortable with who i am, and wanted with my entire being, to be like all my friends: to have blond hair, blue eyes, and milky white skin.

i think ur trying to hard with your rhyming. most lyrics don't rhyme. You got to just let it flow instead of pushing to make things fit. overall i give it a 7

Pinkmeister, This does have potential. It NEEDS to drop the (sentence) structure. and it reepats itself for an ending. It's good to play poet. It's better to back it up with some work.

Good clean pining sonnet.

I am going to edit this when i get time.

yowzah. does that count as an acrostic?

Or back on.

'tis ok... 7

water's good... 10