Caducus
on Sonnet for a Suicide by <~>
5 Aug 2003, 5:23 AM
The ending goes off on a insiduous tangent but because of that it works well and contrasts the 2 moods well. I just hope this is fiction. Why also did he lose his mind I wonder.
Neatly done
someone please send this to margaret!
Cool
birth, or death? or too-rapid decline.
this is the larva of a great one.
jim! i'm done for! a cosmic thread has warped and wrapped me, worm-and-black holed me...i die, a red dwarf among yellow giants....
<hurl>
<~>
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
5 Aug 2003, 7:35 AM
so, i really enjoyed the parts in between the lines. really.
richa
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
5 Aug 2003, 7:58 AM
better when read as a pice of prose. The ending is not snappy enough though
oh scitz! suh a guilty pleasure, the pimple poem! and you are a master of it! what a conun-fucking-drum! 10. for polishing the craft.
I guess making it a pimple lets you get away with the childish indulgence.
Good, but only because you don't mean it
if you meant her sweaty embrace, it was the best part of the poem
"The world is thin as paper," I thought.
"And as fragile as glass."
the paper makes a nice circuit to the intro, but the fragile as glass bit--crap. over-used, maudlin sap.
my complimets on your vividly descriptive second and 3rd stanzas. good work, there.
okay, re-reading, i'm making a suggestion to change the last stanza, again, making it more active, less passive. *also* watch how many commas you use! they really break up a piece. if you can get away without using them,. do so.
Fate in a horizontal line:
The illuminated split of jade through black.
Time, revered by an impervious staff.
They destroy the remnants of her, in sheets.
They make the bed for another,
Leaving me to silence.
there's still something missing, but you'll find it. you'll sharpen your sword if you can manage to cut away the passive voice, cad.
Caducus
on A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom
5 Aug 2003, 6:47 AM
Some wicked phrases and imagery but the long lines make it tiring to read and absorb. 7
Wow...I had a bf named joe, and i hated him very muhc but now i have learned to accept waht he did to me and now we are just friends, this poem is great. Im not only giving it a 10 bcuz i had an ex- named joe but even if i hadent had an ex- named joe i'd still give it a 10 bcuz it has a light to it that i cant explain
God,. i dont even want to begin to comment on this
the 'so' in the third couplet refers to answering so (in the affirmative).
Anyone making suggestions could say which lines I could leave out.
thanks
Totally absorbed I were ! !
A disgustingly beautifully repugnant poem on a equally disgusting man who created a church institution that fucked religion in the same way.
Exquisite 9
you could do with a few apostrophes, poetess
p.s.--sorry for your loss.