http://mulberryfairy
on some deleted poem
4 Aug 2003, 10:32 AM
Nice.
wow. as a bipolar2 myself, i disown her.
This haiku made me hungry. Jelouse of the satisfied man on the beach.
Your themes, every one of them... and all with a tone I can only describe as sentimental.
Of six billion people how many would have these exact sensitivities and express them in this way? At least one. Maybe more? Is it possible to recognize someone you once knew from a poem, or is it merely easy to recognize those we knew in others?
cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:
In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.
okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
i wonder if margaret looked before she crossed the street? it seems so few do these days. if you don't like the way poeple comment here on poemranker, don't post. simple. help us gain awareness of mental illness. hahahahhahaha. margaret, when was the last time you spent 38% of your gross on psychiatry? me, it was last oct-dec. made for a really shitty christmas. but i got to take some pretty pills, and i'm still here, right?
if you're reading this margaret, buck up! maybe your sons would respect you if you had a spine.
Look at this
"You can view the poem and its comments here:
http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
I am of the opinion that she's not a horribly evil cunt. I'm just saying most writers learn at a young age that you have to emotionally seperate yourself from your writing in order to survive. She's obviously very attached to hers' as are most amateurs, but in all honesty I think she's probably just in need of a friend outside of her burnt out spheres. Bipolars burn bridges quicker than retreating Russians.
Change breathe to breath.
No need to remind us of the cliche "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
change breezes presents to "breezes' presents, also "froze" to "frozen"
Been there. Some of the rhymes take away from how well you explained the process of becoming the one who hurt you.
If you've lost any of the comments? I have them all here. Also, Museheart, you should know that I truly do feel that deep down inside... You are a cunt and a tremendous one at that. That was proof. LOL. The Fraser, as always, comes through as a champion. Of what, I've often asked myself, but now I know... A Champion of cruci-fiction.
Terribly lovely. They say the owl was the baker's daughter.
nice rhythm. well done.
YES!
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also, i always thought it was "peeling out"because you left some rubber on the driveway. i like the aural association of 'pealing out', but i don't think it works, if that's what you meant, because squaling rubber, she is not mellifluous, eh?
nothing a tanning bed and pedicure can't ratify.
btw, she's a fucking ugly cunt