You make paintball seem so beautiful. I feel a lump in my throat.

A+

luckyjoe- this is poorly written, and entertaining in a pre-teen, wow SEX! kind of way. you give everything away; you give nothing away, and you do it without skill. i suspect you plan on beoming a teacher, since you gave us a list of reading-comprhension questions at the end. insteadof being impressed by your misguided sense of your own cleverness, may i humbly suggest you study the english language? that is all.

I think you mean muscles' pains, unless it is just one muscle that aches.

Shouldn't it say w/ "owners' names". I like the ending.

Sounds like a dream I have after drinking cheap vodka. I loved it but then all your stuffs the biz.

nice. especially like, "like a recent victim on a Lifetime movie. " (but i'd delete 'recent')

Line 2: It's Line 3: society's code Line 6: It's (It's needs an apostrophe throughout) Maybe add something about the tortured's so-called "learned helplessness" self-pity instead of self pity I like the line about rusted eyelids. take the ashes of a war and turn it into solid bricks (change "it" to "them" - the ashes) and does not see pure white snow- maybe change to "the white purity" but a beautiful rainbow of color just waiting to be realized. (little too cliche there, maybe "a spectrum of colors aching to be released (or restored)" chained immediately since birth, - how about "chained immediately after birth" or "chained since birth" I like the last three lines. This has some good parts, but I think you need more fresh images. Some parts, especially earlier in the piece, are too teachy.

you name it, "till we screw again" and you just leave me hanging like that? you use ordinary words and phases, and don't give me any sense of the moment, just that it happened--you're at odds with yourself here, between tender and coarse and you don't meld the two well at all if that was your intent. lines i'd save: Heating up we both blew a gasket “The pleasure was all mine”, I thought all else is scrap metal. give me a metaphor that chases its tail, with a title like that. or change it to: 'oh the tendersness of your caress' and publish it at poetry.com. and buy your mom a copy so she can show her friends.

I thought the pill was a "pill bug", you know, a "roly poly", (from the lobster family, no less), so I was too grossed out to answer any of your comprehensive questions.

Pruney-licious. More typos than you usually permit, Bachus.

stunning, visionary and prophetic (I dearly hope). Actually, I heard DA doesn't have a dick. Lost it to a Russian prospector in a grizzly Haiku tournament in Mongolia.

I got hit on the mask playing paintball once, I stumbled around, into a tree nearly knocking me out, and into the enemies base. My god that was a painful weekend, and as a frequent visitor to dominatris I know real pain. Hmmm, cheese grater on the cock.

/struck down, again, by soldiers: /pools of martyrs' blood might suit your ends better.

"The bird stoops to clean its beak, A boy kisses me on the cheek. A place of wonder, a place of mystery, My imagination, a place I shall let you see." is this a metaphor for an unholy act?

Line 2: its => it's Line 3: societies => society's Line 6: its => it's Line 11: its => it's Line 14: its => it's Line 17: its => it's Line 19: self pity => self-pity Line 21: its => it's Line 25: its => it's Line 30: its => it's Line 34: its => it's

Well, since foot and mouth, his wife has left him for the vet who put down all his sheep! He's gotta console himself somehow...

I like it, provocative images of playing God. Creation vs destruction. As a Marine don't you get the piss ripped out of you for being a poet?

Opinionated. How much do you know?

sorry dq, this leaves me flat. maybe i'm in a mood this morning, but it's coming across as imitative and banal. the bar just got heavier.