INTRANSIT
on Strippers by <{Baba^Yaga}>
13 Jul 2003, 11:57 AM
You'll have a little of that from time to time.
No, It's sad.
Are you suicidal, masochistic, or just pissed off.
I think it should be
Plugging one gap only to seal(find) another
as it is it doesn't make much sense. On the whole it is a bit repetitive in the second half
Interesting.
I love that kind of incidental, displaced rhyme. "...beneath the weeds/ for what she needs..."
Nice work. My 7 is for establishing a mellow mood without a hint of boredom.
I like how the third stanza leads into the fourth. The finale is a strong sentiment for those of us who know our imperfections. Such passions are worthy of an effort toward poetry, even though most attempts fail misserably. This, though, is worth reworking.
Lines 3 and 4 fuck up the rythm and rhyme (another w/ forever?), as well as the meaning (what's the dif between seal and fill?).
Elsewise, I liked it. 6
You have a real knack for this type of picturesque verse. That third verse will have me thinking a long time. It's so sparse and loaded at the same time.
This is shit-hot work! Dare I dish a 9?
Well, this is humbling. The first read didn't thrill me but, the imagery brought me back...several times. Now it's "in my head like a song".
I try to give constructive criticism but, there's nothing I can offer that would improve this fine piece.
I humbly solicit your critiques, Mr. 10.
This poem is a lesson in conjuring images with words. I have signed up for the course and my cheque is in the mail.
Only, something in the end "feels" awkward. The brevity of "...only to drown", I think.
I may disagreee with myself after another read or two, though. 9 for the feelings. Encore!
Very cool. I have always thought that noone else but I could sympathize with insects.
The stanza refering to roaches as innocent, uncorrupted lives worthy of saving was perfect.
8's Ahoy!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 12:44 AM
Parts of this sounds like a Newsboys song, but not as good. "For the want of a marker, the doctors lost their place...for the want of a cutline, they couldn't lift his face...for the want of a facelift, the ratings dropped, and network flopped..."
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 12:59 AM
Doesn't quite do it for me...your other stuff is better...6
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 1:02 AM
I give this a 2...you worked in a fairly interesting disjunctive rhyme scheme...
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Jul 2003, 1:09 AM
Quite touching, actually. 9.
very good.
A complete poem gentle 'the vicinity of dreams' is kind of modern too
Can't wait to get home so I can absorb the good stuff instead of one-timing it. prevote=8
Well done. 8
quite, and isn't saying half empty stating that it has been emptied to half its amount. And showing concern for its half emptiness?
By the way, what poem did you get the "Wanker" for?