Robert K Foster
on So Simple by Audaciouslilgrl
13 Jun 2003, 9:03 AM
ahhh...youth.
Don't kill yourself.
That'd be stupid,
just too stupid
However, consider revisions that are more creative ways to kill yourself. be specific, like tying a plastic bag over your head and handcuffing yourself to a tree. They'll all think you were murdered. wouldn't that be fun?
wonderful. nicely done.
I laughed when i read 11
I was rarely in class but I have stormed out of auditions once or twice. 7
10 for the ass hat alone. I stand corrected on the other discussion. you are obviously very aware and in touch with your (pin cushion?) scary and impressive.
Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 10.
i like the last verse best
yes nice logic/ flow
a bit in the spirit of an extended haiku
battling the atrophy of a learned response culture.
My brain hurts. wow. Poignant at the end but difficult to follow at first, put me off a bit. That "'Gap' cap" thing you do at the beginning there is also a big turn off. Do you really need it? Can you make it, I don't know, more... I don't know. I think that line just needs to go. I'll look at it again later.
Overall I thought it well written.
eliminate redundancy from title to last line. get rid of "farce" it sounds too much like fart. Otherwise, a poems go, it is ordinary. what can you do to make it more unique?
I have some advice for you. look at and rate a bunch more poems, learn a few things, read the "best" list and start over.
Before madness came
he leaned back in the sun
smiled at his mom.
More Angels???... well much as I'm not a fan of Angels I admit I like this. Extremely well in fact. -8-
I like it. I'm trying to remember where I've heard ass-hat before. I'm certain I have. Once my mom called my wife an ass-and-a-half. it was very difficult not to laugh.
A promise.
I suggest replacing farce with charade, and instead of Of a wishful ache, I'd go with With a wishful. <- I think that it goes better with the momentary release.
oops 8