Roisin
on Warmth by shwenatjadeflower
22 May 2003, 10:54 AM
Really beautiful-nice one 8
I like how u repeat setain lines its a sttyle i like to use also
Not Bad
Nice, but It really doesn't stand out from much else I've read tho. -7-
Nice bridge (8)
This must be your weak rejoinder. I wonder, sometimes, about your well being *sigh*. Ah well.
Flatchicks don't skate they get flatter *boink*.
Great song by the way, strong chorus. Firm bridge. The verse could be a bit more descriptive, but then again that would be asking a lot from your mental handicap, wouldn't it.
Totally agree with horus8, good chorus and bridge. Some of the verses couldve been better (7)
I definately know how u feel when the person u fall in love with doesnt feel the same it really hurts. And they never understand y u cant let them go
Great Poem
wow alot of emotion and again i can relate i guess thts y ppl like us write to express wut we wish we could say Straight from the heart rite to the Pen
Hmmm... Almost feels like your trying to say I did this for me. There are better forms to express this idea without, the very cliche exsample of suicide, but not badly done. -7-
I believe it should be:
*flesh's* fee
*Torn* flesh heals
*life's* dirt
That is all. Go on about your business.
Yep, another good un
I want to read more of your work but the computer screen is fuckin with me heeeeeed and making it want to implode-and plus i have to go nout and get pissed but i will try and have another look tomorrow-you've brightened up my revision session-cheers mate!
Three corrections
"with enough stregnth" strength.
"back curved like a knife" Jack knife.
august capatilized.
Very good poem Rebecca.
This is not concrete. This is concrete;
Hey! Shut up, and cut my grass. (Concrete) by horus8
Mowed for sanity.
A lawn for the first time
in nearly six years. Front and
back, and even the sides. The grass
tending ritual has not changed very much,
but I have. We both needed water when it was
all over. It, more so than I. Is There a noble
meaning behind the act of grooming. It promotes
blooming I'm assuming. I currently have a bloody
hole in my stomach. That statement is telesematic.
Being too analytical apparently does have a down
side. Constantly worrying mentally has begun to
surface physically. Guess that I should have
respected more,
the back seat,
and kept my,
trap shut,
sewed my,
lid shut
Learned
how to
not say
but-but
I can't
<typo>
$grass$
^^^^^^^^
He's swell,
Cracked bell,
It is all water,
from the same well.
What am I afraid of ?
Disease carrying insects.
Twilight zone on DVD in B&W.
unaware of my filthy receptacle.
Who, or what, I can and can't affect.
I am going to take off while I still can.
Being a complacent young man that can "coolit".
With an exquisitely decorated oriental flip fan for
Nero. I wonder how many years will pass by again before I
stumble on another lawn that I'm forced to mow, water, hoe.
Zero.
Fascicle.
Pure-blood.
Topknot.
Carbon 14.
Antiparticle.
Merry-go-round.
Water-table.
Incontrovertable.
Chevalier.
Pretzel.
Suffocate.
Abstractionalist.
<can't you>
<just let>
<some shit>
<not have>
<to always>
<be about>
<god devil>
<cunt cock>
<nice sock>
<just you>
<thank you>
For nothing, but that constantly
evaporated feeling of receding,
and diminishing into something
else that has to do with you. You,
and nothing else. Just you, yes, you.
You, and yours, such wealth smiled
stealth. I want to be you. Tell your
people about you. Mock you! Say
I know you, to tow you, around. I,
your blessed shadow boxer burn out.
Your elbows and knees exfoliated free.
Then you'll see how you are
the only one I see, I see, I see
through your skirt, and flesh
and marrow, I see...
No worth in...
Tommorrow...
Without you...
CUT!
<{And violently rootless my love}>
<{violent 'rootless' my lo-}>
<{-lent 'rootless' my}>
<{rootlessness'}>
<{rootofmy}>
<{ego}>
---
Ok, it's a little to cliqued in parts but i like the part about the ping pong ball guided by the paddle and hand.I know what you mean by the sentiment of the poem. A world where everyones waters ran deep would indeed be a truly marvellous place. But at least there are some and not none at all!
I like your style-for a pretty cheery person i sure do write some depressing shite!
No quote this time. Just a ten.