Jeremi B. Handrinos
on some deleted poem
2 May 2003, 4:54 PM
I was amused, hence the blue ten.
haha. this is beautiful. 8.
Whilst you're probably going to call this poeme something like "Love Everlasting" or "When I'm with you...", I would urge you in the strongest possible terms to consider "DIABETES: a life without insulin" - it's the only title that makes any sort of sense given the circumstances.
Cackbird squats on autumn leaves
Beneath the groin where heirloom weaves
And morsels plucked with rolled-up sleeves
Forget their pants and borrow Steve's
This bird now knows just what it means
To write something that doesn't scan, or so it seems
thats a really interesting idea. i like it. 7
Drunk and stumbling
I arrive at the edge of it,
The clinic
I am so very prejudice.
This is where I had my piles done,
They remind me of him.
He carried them in -
His arms thick with labour, incapable of surrender
For they were burdensome, and there weren't any pile-trolleys left
and I think they were beginning to attract seagulls.
Oh, the two of us!
hmmm. its good. its kind of the same old same old though. if it was written with more poetical oomph it might gain a better vote from me. 4
Unless you've pan fried a Crappie, i'd think you are a fool, here's a ten because, well my friend, I have that god given ability at my finger tips.
Nice, opener is wicked. What more can I say? 9
I would love for you to let me know what you think of my latest effort, the fairytale one.
Today's headlines:
"GRAVY-SHAPED POEME TOO DISGUSTING FOR WORDS," SAYS VICAR
"HELP ME!" SAYS MAN IN GROTESQUELY-WRITTEN-POEME UNPLEASANTNESS
GUITAR-SHAPED BOY BREEDS FROZEN ESCAPE GOAT
Good god man. You are the boredest mother fucker alive, congratulations. Wait a minute... Am I fucking talking to myself? You see what sobriety does? Look at my fucking poodle?! Just look at her...*sob, weep, spasm* Look at my tofu ice sculpters (tofu is fun to freeze and chisel) Gaze at my supplements and pedestrian signs! HA! HA! I'm plum mad (kzsdfjghoabuiprvgioprbyfgiopv) that's the punchline to a welshian factory workers two series jokesky. called the bumsky from down undersky.
yes, well redrafted
very tight
Yes I can feel the music to this, although the happy ending is perhaps not needed or warranted
Don't thank her. Not that she isn't the best thing since a tuna melt, but it ruins your poem's bottom and some people are judgemental and bias. Other than that. Hilarious.
Talking about GW though, She's the first person in my life that stepped through the membrane of what true love or real love is and offered to help me stay sober. Not that no one cares. It's just a lot of work and there is an exhausting amount of communication involved in helping a realy resourceful and brilliant person get off of hard candy. It takes a lot of love, and trust in a situation were you might be the only one there that still has the ability to do that 'trust' and 'love' you know what i mean? She's my friend, and I know that she loves me, and oddly enough. That's something I'm just grasping, weird huh.
Life is crazy like that, but yesterday I saw my three year old son's first soccer game (he's three) and i was sober, and i only smoked two cigarettes. lol, but ah, that's big in my mind right now. 1 week sober. I have a really special circle of friends, and my son may totally suck right now at soccer, god bless his tiny little man legs, (he's great at the sax though!) atleast now I can participate on a level that's rational and benificial for everyone. I was great at soccer and still am, he needs me. We can do it. together. lol. that should be my speech at the na aa olympics this year. Oh well, what ever.
I would call this simply. "A hump for Jesus" Thereby, forcing the reader to ponder the immensity of such an act inthe title out the gate. Then your poem will garnish the side of the plate (title) like a sprite toss of parsely should should indeed always garnish the side of say, a plate. Or you could just call it "A plate". What do you think?
i really like this. it made me laugh, plus it's good poetry. it reads really smoothly...except for the "fairies, too". it just gave me a jolt like "wait a second..oh fairies..". with a better transition it would be simply wonderful! (you could even make it "my, what a big heart you have"...it seems even funnier to me) 7
Yes. But you could you keep your stupid fucking name out of my taco salad?
It's ok, but I do want you to use more than just roller coaster over and over again, other than that, it's ok
TORTIONAL OVULE BLANKET
Ranger
on he was the one i had written about before i met him 2 by rockinindividual
2 May 2003, 1:21 PM
I love it.