horus8
on some deleted poem
11 Mar 2003, 6:30 PM
And they say i'm nuts.
sounds um like he loves you greatly
And the point of your poem is the following: Stay with the hag you have until you fall in love with her since you have no balls to leave. Been there done that. How old are you? 21? 3 for effort.
Are you seriously that bored with your life that you have nothing better to do than to write crappy poems about Anna-Nicole Smith? Whoever watches that show should be hung. No wonder american television is pure and utter crap. Morons like you who watch this shit are supporting it. 0 for wasting my time.
Better than your other ones. Here's a 5. My favorite part of this poem was your use of Incommunicado. How brave and original you are!
Oh, okay. My lips are sealed. What? And your point is?
Something I like. The flow works really well here. 9
Angry young man meets question mark? Watch those apostrophes. They don't play nice when you cut and paste. Please fix. Namaste.
Your syntax is awkward: his dog lay in breath? No.
Permit me:
He had smithed the words;
his anvilled pen spilled coins of thought
that piled like riches at his feet.
His dog lay at his feet, content;
its deep, regular breaths bespoke no other need.
The sun set and rose, rose and set
as he shortened the sentences of people
whose decades fell like minutes,
mindless of his own.
All things became music
whose notes he alone could hear:
folly and love played melodies
he kept to the rhythm of his heart.
Death soon lost its thrall:
no more the dreaded machine, advancing, merciless.
A sweetened darkness, empty,
honest as the dog sleeping at his feet
urged him on toward eternity.
Well! Hyde and cried! Now that's a superlative rhyme.
Nice. Wish I could say something more useful, but I've got to go. I'll try back tomorrow and see if I can be more helpful.
The only thing I can say about this one is that line 4 takes a bit too long. The rest are relatively quick to read-which obviously suits the subject, so unless you intended it to be that way...
I am currently stuck redrafting my latest attempt at poetry-any aid you could give would be most welcome.
As an afterthought, line 6 is excellent.
heres a grade coz u have none yet- why dont u re do blinded also- it is one of my favorite poems u know!