Caducus
on some deleted poem
7 Feb 2003, 8:06 AM
Ok GW I always comment 'lightly' for fear of your superiority which is why my comments are always vague offering you know suggestions for that reason. I have a few here can i tell you ?
I liked you better as a cheap Settle knockoff.
Overall nice job. It just needs a little tweaking in the words to help it flow a little better.
Slick.
I see art school is still coursing through your veins like a soggy bowl of fruit loops. Great poems by the way.
God you really were my understudy weren't you. The single word final line thing is a bit tired, don't you think? Visually this is quite good, it straddles the line between normal line breaks and image. Try to make the words more interesting. 6.
Chirpe.
Check your first line.
the rest is complimentable.
wow this is BRILLIANT! Also extra points for not mentioning me! surely this means i am producing quality work?!
Love is a verb and a noun, and by the gifted it can become and adjective and an adverb. I can tell you're still getting your teeth around this one.
"I'm no more than a toy" I'm no more than your toy. This is a lyric, also, by the way. 8.
I do like this poem and its never easy writing of spiritual, religious and secular subjects, whats interested me here is that you've interwoven a story of you and christ and i can see a lot of pain in it, the last line would benefit challice instead of cup. Also the last stanza confuses me 'in 3 days time i'll step free of the pain, please explain this to me.
I am a reluctant atheist and want to connect with this poem you've written.
By the way GW whats YOUR favourite poem you have written?
better than the others you've written this at least show in bits that you have the seeds. -5-
full of angst but it does show your naivity with life experience of relationships
a bit niney for my taste.
Go back and watch Hamburgher hill. It will help. Also casualties of war.
is this about drugs lol
lol spiders