powerline
on some deleted poem
31 Dec 2002, 1:40 PM
Is it "to" timid or "too" timid?
Nice. Have you considerd pysciatric help?
Lots of talent here. Structure has some beef to it. Who is Nopal?
Interesting; I like the last line, especially.
I really like the first stanza, very witty use of words. I'm probably not qualified to comment to much on the direction of the meaning or the choices you've made, but I enjoyed it, though somehow it seems to be missing something.
actually now that I look at it again, it's the second stanza, not the first, which I like so much,... the first is good, too, though. I'm such a 'wuss'.
Hmmm.
i guess you won't be needing that barbeque sauce i sent you then. damn!
happy new year, -=Dark_Angel=- !
For some reason this reminds me of the ball turret gunner by Randall Jarrell. I like it!
Dude, this is seriously good. I have something about a building that has yet to go past scrbbled notes. Thank you for the inspiration.
Is it me, or is this shit?
(here's a clue: it's not me)
An appropriate title, as the anon voters haven't banished you from the top. Yet. Excellent, 10!
Nice. Caught all the images solid. There is so much to be said about letting a verse hang out there, letting others take from it what they may.
In this case, what the words meant to you also carried with me.
There is a lot more in this that needs to be brought out. You've come on the idea of man and his role with nature, as providor and as his own master. Lots to swallow, but somewhere in these is the essence of what you were after.
Try to crisp this up a bit by trimming the fat. I'm also a little lost on the form--are you trying to be a writer or a poet?
Regardless, you have a talent with words.
Beautiful. No, really. Brings up so many memories. Damn, now I'm all upset. Have 10, you depressing bugger.
Good job. Reclass it as a lyric perhaps, and give it a title. How about 'Broken'?
Also good. Still no title though. Add titles and I might change 9 to 10.
this flows real nice. You have a very powerful image here, call it a concept as well. At times, I was wishing to grasp that concept much more, taste it a little stronger, but I got lost in flow.
Still, excellent stuff.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PUBLISHED YET? A COUPLE OF YOUR WORKS I WOULD WANT TO READ IN A BOOK SOMEWHERE.