why do people say abyss so much!? FUCK

focus.

Its good. I especially like how it is presented. The layout suggests carpal tunnel led to it.

tell me the first stanza in different words?

i like the way i feel like a voyeur watching them, and then they are the true voyeurs. but this needs more knitting, more flesh, if only to be later denied.

unfortunate, the conflict of bellowing and whispering. the connotation makes her seem insane, when she is mad with grief. you do not convince me of anything here. sorry.

there are too many sounds here, without a flow. love is hardly ever staccato, and loss is never so. match the tone of the words to the jist of the message. you are at odds with yourself in here. you have re-written this several times already haven't you?

can i milk her while she watches you write?

damn skippy..i would make it willow wisps to the fog, and "in" the air, because on the air makes it feel too manmade like a silly glider...great fucking ballad..my hat is off to you..pun intended. 9.

passe. 6.

to self absorb. wow did i say that? sure did. grand funks on...gotta go. 5.

can i ask you a sincere question? WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT, AND WHAT EXACTLY CONVINCED YOU SPECIFICALLY speaking, THAT ANYONE SERIOUS ABOUT WRITING WOULD GIVE A FUCK?!

it was worth a shit while you were loved by another and oblivious because... but then in the last 4 or 5 sentences you bite your tail off by trying to criticize those with deep pockets...simply because anyone with half a brain understands the uselessness that accompanies the jealousy-guilt of that sentiment.6. i love the penny in the boys purse though.. nice twist..not lemonade mind you, but damn tasty still.

finally a rope swing that lets me get a little wet i bet. 9.

simply to live and know, i hope i don't return...i hope there is no heaven...only sleep void of form or thought. some divine knowings here, accompanied by radom pot shots also...bit too long, but i say that in knowing that it can and will go forever.8

the lost two sentences really lick the envelope, but the whole piece was only a seven up until that point...the title is also ..boring and thrown.8.

Disjointed and jagged. The commas are annoying and unnecessary most of the time. It's as if you're trying to force the rhythm. It's emperor (I never get it right either.)

Your first two lines don't seem to match the mood of the rest of it. Third stanza is probably the strongest, but I think your last two lines there (first night of miracles and damnation) pack less of a punch than the preceding two (skirting the confines of the true and the impossible). Maybe reverse the order? I like the "dreams that steal her breath." There should be more tension, I think, or heat.

Good use of metaphor and well written. My nit is the last stanza, in particular, the first three words.<br><br> But even could we catch the song receding,<br>the wind casts echoes high, then drops<br>them, ripplng, through our dreams.....Perhaps: Though could we catch the song receding,<br>winds cast echoes high, then drops them;<br>rippling, through our dreams.

spectacular title...light metal. 8. i would be more sold if it ended at kneel the shore.