Nicholas Monson
on Kindling by <~>
3 Dec 2002, 1:52 PM
A beautiful touch. I really like it.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
3 Dec 2002, 5:34 PM
How is it someone handed you a 2?
Z is big help. always. welcome,and nice entry work too.
I'm not deeply religious so I must think on this awhile. I like it though.
good poem, tho I'd not seperate the first two stanzas
and I like the title. You think it will be a overly-done, "you hurt me so its over" kinda poem. But its not, its right. 9
This does an excellent job of expressing disenchantment with organized religion and hypocracy in general. " Woe to you Scribes and Pharises, Den of vipers..." I like it.8
Nicholas Monson
on On waiting to pick up my daughter on Tuesday by poetandknowit
3 Dec 2002, 1:43 PM
Come on. You can do better than this. You have got us going and then suddenly it's finished. You express yourself so well and we want more. And in this poem less is definiotely not more..
Tes, it is funny. But I am not sure about whether it works with the analogy of "Aim for the sky." Something like "Frolic with the beasts" may work better.
Demonstrates a sure touch with language but I am just not sure it has worked as well as your other effort on which I have commented.
Wonderful stuff (again)
So well crafted
I like this poem very much, but feel the title gives to much away. Call it "Lessons" or "A Tutorial" or just the girl's name would be nice. Leave it a suprise, it's so short, that would give it more punch and bitter-sweetness.
3rd stanza should be fixed...it might be better.."what?....what are you thinking?" same with third sentence in third stanza...with "your" kiss is more personable than undying...might i have touched you? then differently is the only word, last sentence...the first two stanzas are incredible..really.8.
Great title for a punk rock song--Why not play with it--"pretty skin deep," word sounds, word play, stream of consciousness, and see what happens when you don't concentrate on rhymes and telling a tale.
I was tired when I first read your poem. I just finished reading it again and it definitely held my interest. Sorry for the negative comment. It is well written and obviously a strong statement, one that most of us would not have the balls to write. Peace:)
Some good lines and well written but too many cliches and overly mawkish. (caressed her cheek, touhed her lips, etc.) Try to express your feelings in a less obvious and/or more interesting way. Shining bright like sapphire stars is both redundant and meaningless. When something is shining, its brightness is assumed by the reader. Describe what is unique or perhaps original about her eyes and do away with overused phrases and imagery. Good luck and as mentioned, you have a nice style of writing.
Yes, the title gives too much away.
Love the beat! good job devil man.
A sad little poem but I liked it. It does need editing as there is a bit of redundancy and some words that are unnecessary. One example:
Bright blue sky deleted so it reads:
She dreams of endless sky. This is minor but so much better IMO. Bright and blue distract from what is a lovely and meaningful sentence. Good luck.
Nice flow to this and well written. Also, quite original.
For some reason, I love the last line.
"the bastards of creation"
some good stuff here.