god'swife
on Left, Cold by Tibbs
2 Dec 2002, 1:55 PM
Now I'm sad. Good job. Is it 'breadth' or 'breath'? Strong ending.
definition 84 in the thespians hand book..
pouring it on,are we? Fine job too!
do it again!
This is beyond Thunderdome.
sounds like an ethiopian homonid dig...lucy's footprints.8.??
well sweetie,glad you're still here. damnit! don't do that again. that's my gig.8 missed Ya!
since i'm shy on tech, i'll score on content. This rocks.
I don't like the poem all that much, it reminds me of what I used to write when I just started writing, not specific enough or anything.
but you rhyme scheme is so perfect, I'd say you have promise
Excellent rewrite--did you trim? Send me the original sometime--I'd love to see the genesis. Great details! I like how you pick up the river(stone) image with "coursing" in the last stanza. Outgrabe throws me--a nice nod, but it's a distraction.
Are the tense shifts (from past to present in st. 4 and back to past in the last)intentional? I think it'd work just as well if you kept it in past tense--like the punctuation (ooh!), most people wouldn't even notice, but those that do will do so because of the inconsistency.
It's excellent.
should be "...young man named Jake".
CD, I JUST got off the phone with a friend who advised me to treat mountain spring water with a drop of bleach, even after filtering it through a triple Pur filter. I'll show him this poem.
I like it. "softer than your heartbeat"?
Oh, there we go. You took the mote out, now I can see.
This is beyond stealing. Shelley wrote that 200 years ago. And you didn't even mangle it properly.
reads a little like a beat poem that should be spoken aloud. nice and cynical. 7 swastikas!
I don't know what you're talking about, but it's pretty. what's 'scatching'? Thank you for the crows. Orange glow of radiations seems to weak for this piece. Could you say something like:
Radiations growing glow
Like an army of tangerines
Something like that. Not that. Something like it.
I think you mean 'cymbals' not 'symbols'. though clanging symbols is a fairly poetic image. I don't think it's what you meant though. Your poem lacks imagination.
science is a tool...i would argue faith is a tool, and science is a study of natural formulas used to define what's around us and effecting us on a levels at all times.y