Quarton
on some deleted poem
2 Dec 2002, 9:05 AM
Great use of metaphor and some memorable lines. I liked the rhyme scheme or I should say, the absence of one. As to reversing the first two stanzas, it works but I personally would leave them alone. I really enjoyed the read!
all but the last line--disdain doesn't match lightning for me. quiver, maybe, but never disdain.
very prosaic, and thoroughly enjoyable. i agree with hatters hare; also, fix a few typos.
reminds me of the time when a tornado went through new haven, taking out all the century-old sycamores and breaking not a single pane on the greenhouse across the street...
you are very disturbed and I suggest you get some
professional help fast!!!!!!!
DAMMIT, MAN! STOP READING MY DIARY!
Your best yet
This was like I was overhearing a telephone conversation, its okay but needs firing up more, it needs to make a point otherwise its a hollow egg -5-
Loved the bouquet of flames, and the imagery in this. You should direct film scenes reading your stuffs a hybrid of Tim Burton meets David Lynch meets Chagall, to illustrate through vocab is a gift. -9-
I enjoyed this. Not overly mawkish and very simple in its content.
Almost as if a child could read the words although the meaning goes much deeper. Definitely a cut above most love poems.
very clever. let me give you a push indeed.:)
Sounds more like a bad italian red than bleach
Wow!!! This is a beaut. Your style and command of language is most
impressive. Going back for another read.
you are a very sick person please for the sake of all people
get some help before it's to late
I do like the simplicity. Like a zen koan though a bit shorter than most. Highly evocative, so many interpretations to be had from only 7 letters. Also, I like the no punctuation--no capitalizations.
It enhances the simplicity.
I finally get back to p'ranker and the first thing I read is this! Zzin, it's such a strong poem, it deserves a better title.
Fucking gorgeous resolution. Who is the "he' in S4? I love that stanza but am slightly confused. can you use a more discriptive pronoun? I got excited when I realized what you where doing in S5, nice.
The last stanza's quite simple, which I think is rare for you. Perhaps everyones expecting you to be all business, and it's casual friday. It is a bit simple, but why not? I don't know, but I think if this stanza had been penned by some other, I would like it less. maybe it's just that I never get moody like that...