this feels like clumsily-aimed cruelty. perhaps you will say it is brutal honesty, with a modicum of compassion. but i don't feel it. it is outside of you, and you are trying too hard to get in. false.

lose all the "a"s. they are extraneous.

I do the truckers square dance myself: Swing that trailer to and fro;Round the corner do si do.

Bloody brilliant!!! You the man -=Dark Angel=-!! Let's have some more!

Strange how this relates so closely to so many people's lives.

you are an odd fish for sure. cheers! i was kinda inclined perceptively to the image of the bear in the weeds.

did you say pedant? how about dark instead of dark's. if the stanza's were somehow reversed second first and so it would be better as far as the arc goes, because the first stanza is super powerfull the second can barely compliment it.

This is lovely--you have a real knack for storytelling and for drawing in a wide array of literary and cultural references. Two quibbles: your rhymes seem haphazard here and (I know, I know, it's the pedant in me; I can't help it) why some punctuation but no end punctuation? The eye is going to scan right over it anyway, and in a lot of cases it "tells" the reader how you want something read.

three nice things i have to say about this rewrite: cleaner. faster. stronger. have a blow job. on me.

i once stole a mannequin.

I guess this is post 'a'. You don't need them. Why Tang?

because he can't get his hand away. it's glued firmly in place. that's why.

oooh-wee. that's smoothe.

THIS IS CRAP. THANKS FOR PLAYING.

where is the leap where God comes through? is there one in smurfdom?

did she want to shop at target and got there late without a date?

i want some of that yellow bellied sap sucking juice in a cup next time you go out on that bridge, send some up!

absolute poetry in a wasteland gone decadent. good God i hear a shot now.

Here is some hard hittin' power babble now. Lock up the kids, were goin' poetry reading tonight.