razorgrin
on some deleted poem
12 Nov 2002, 1:05 PM
feministy, and wiccanish, but in a really good way. I'm impressed
quite beautiful. I would have gone somewhere less pleasant with the beginning, but your journey was a welcome one. [and I don't think anyone's ever sent me a poem from poemranker before! thanks! =) ]
Big bad universal themes written in big bad universal language just doesn't seem hunky dory. Do you read poems over the CB to all the other truckers? And after you are finished do you say 10-4?
As a woman, I'm sure you know a great deal about embroidery and kittens. How delightful. But poetry, I fear, is a very different affair. This evening the Gentlemen are trying to discuss the more Serious Matters of the Towne. I daresay this needn't concern you, yet you continually interrupt the proceedings with wild and dangerous opinions of your own. Isn't it time you repaired to the central vestibule to powder your nose?
lose the tonight at the end...not bad though...for a spazz. 7.
that's a hoot.almost a torch song. 8.
i think the last line should be replaced by "in the shape of a post it stamp 'pon his lightsaber" or some shite like that.here's a nine, the last act though needs work still just a bit... barely.
this is priceless, and extrordinarilly keen. keen on what? the vagina and gutters. have a 10.
What if the tractor is a brand new John Deere? It just doesn't work. But Aspen just was pounded with a couple of feet of snow and opens next week. Early for the first time in years!
First off: Laura Bush ain't no flower! As for the poem, I think it could use a bit of cleaning, especially on the grammar end. And why is it we should listen to you? That first line is awkward, explain? I also think the tone shift of the second stanza comes out of nowhere and hits the reader like, hey, dumb ass, forget the first stanza, this is what the poem is really about. But hey, if razorgrin is impressed, then this must be one fanfuckingtastic poem!
Please, use line breaks! And this sounds a bit too much like a greeting card.
who's was it before do you think? great idea, i'd love to give you a ten, but HE stands in my way. as usual, so do i. 9.
no more angels. please.
impressive.
that isn't cat pee. it's the cat.
((gay -> AIDS) -> gay) -> gay
This completes the proof.
tom waits makes a good sountrack for this .
who really needs a life.
i'd rather be a hammer than a nail, and the play's the thing to catch a king....