If I'm reading it right then much like you this poem seems to have found that it stands better alone. Good job. 8.

I liked the last stanza.6

Great work!

That last stanza does sound great. This is very musical.

Don't you think that your poem recalls no special atmosphere in one's mind.It looks and sounds blank.you lack words as you've said in your poem.add something blanker at least at the end and i'll like your style.

*snif*snif, that's so pretty!! It's a 10 all the way

I like it but the penultimate paragraph kind of confuses me at the end.

I like it. I'm not sure I totally follow how you got from scene to scene but I like it.

This is certainly a tangle beyond my limited comprehension. Somehow the pronouns evoke this confusion, but I agree that it could be a bit clearer. Nonetheless, I like this, a slice of (thankfully for me) someone else's.

All those he shes he she she he hehhehehehshehshehheheheehshhshshsehesshehshehshehe's have me bored and uninterested.

This is dead honest and so I love it. Assertive and sad, ain't it like a poet.

and really tasty finger snacks....i love those little weiners in the buns...fuck! did you see that fire sis? it's fucking HUGE!, glendora, sandimas, and now claremont..i wonder if it'll get to baldy? i hope not...it's fucking "an" unbelievable 30 mile long fire snake..like that scene from the thirteenth warrior..they should of just called that fucking movie beuwulf...que no...great piece by the way...may that way, you always stay..nurturing and giving and damn brilliant i might add. love, me. saturday's my opening night by the way. 9.

I like the idea of this poem, it's one no one else here has tried, So it's something new for a change. and even if you don't like it..well it means something to him anyway, so unless you have something nice to say, or advice to make the poem any better, then don't say anything at all. I think it's a great poem shadow! =)

Yup yup. Great flow,simple and deep. Personal pains are always difficult to describe.Thats what makes poetry, poetry. No changes.9

Well, so much for writing about the 9-5 crowd. Covered it better than I might've.9

Fuckin' a. As the dudes would say. You got this case won. Open and shut.

Better. :) Not to be nit picky or any thing but I liked the stanzas. It made it easier to read. I just didn't like the onomatopoeia. Any way, nice work and it's your poem. No need to please me. :)

"the sadness of bees"? I was really liking it til "the sadness of bees" came out of no where.

It doesn't work. S4 L5 is muddled.

Why is it so hard for peopppple to express themselves in simile? This is too concrete. Inner conversations do not poetry make.