PawnedTidal
on Ever Felt by nightii
11 Sep 2002, 6:36 AM
I have now. 7.
Good, but the rhymes seem a bit forced. Might do better as freeform or in another, less common rhyme scheme.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
11 Sep 2002, 2:15 AM
Incredible images, but very vague. Making somewhat of a connection to reality- tears can be black? I'm thinking running eyeliner? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it should be completely literal, just a little less obtuse.
Hey sav876, on closer inspection, there are a lot of errors with spelling and apostrophe in this poem, but it is still very cool.
This poem repeats it's themes quite a lot - there's not a lot of progression in the middle few stanzas. Perhaps you could think more about the forward movement of your argument and I think you will end up with a shorter, tighter poem. Again your rhythmic pulse is very strong.
The entrance of Jesus is a masterstroke. Youa re arse obsessed. This is not a criticism.
I've seen 10 poems, and this one came uo three times.
I've seen eleven poems, this one has come up 4 times.
INDECENTLY INNAPROPRIATE! what the fuck are you gabbering about...our small pud in christof's mouth with piping hot bravado(oh! what imagery 9!)....fuck-it! wear your tuxedo...hows that for imagery....what a waste of invisible ink...vanish?! your mojo is minus beak. see my kale gun ...duck! 2/10!
hmm, too plain for my taste, sure i can picture myself in the scene but do i really want to be there? a cat? bright day? cloudy? sidewalk? id rather be surfing
nice poem... i suppose. i like the eminem mention, hes funny, but his last name is mathers
hmm, boring, journeyman? quest? sounds like too many role playing games?
i'm on to you! and i'm not saying what i know or how much i got for it? why do you talk to your penis so regrettably?. burn with magnifying glass. poke the poodle. you have terrible taste in pasta , and your mom drank all my beer. herpes will be your down fall(faggel the proud) if not a well necked chicken bone. good luck.! puppet of love. michael jackson's soiled rhinestained glove....RUN! RUN! YOUR TITS ON FIRE! EVACUaTE.... CHECK YOUR CLEFT FOR MOTHER..false alarm ...you're my hero......zero!
The rhythms of this are very strong, I think it would work well as a song lyric.
I must admit... it's not quite what I pictured with the drug references.
Well done.
I agree with christof. I like the content, but standard English will work better for you. Nice job.
This feels like it's starting to lead you somewhere and then just kind of drops off into oblivion.