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on father Worked Nights by poetandknowit
27 Aug 2002, 10:46 PM
there you go, p&k, using the banal or your steel again
I was going to give this a 2 but then the last line moved everything up 4 notches.
thank you V. Keep singing.
well, the structure is lovely, but i can't get past pronouncing it 'ess-plah-nahd' which kills the rhyming. i'm going or it being a woman's name, in my own little world o' understandings and the like. i like it--it twirls me around the room as i read it; i suppose that the act that i want to know what E is has absolutely no bearing on whether or not i will ever get that answer. care to tell us, wulf?
very uneven, which i suspect you were striving for, but it needs more than that to work well. i eel the slipping, though, and want to eel it more. work with that? go in 1 direction.
Ah ha, this is my kind of poetry. Reminds me of Janis or Joni lyrics, and I am right here singing along with you sister! 9/10
Swishy24 I am so sorry I criticized your work of genius and forced you to take your poem of the site and run and tell mother. However, it sucked. I cannot change the way I feel, and I think what I said about the poem was extremely constructive and poignant. See, I am not fighting my hormones and contemplating suicide at every step so I can write deep dark sentimental poor me sap. My poems involve skill that you would not even begin to understand because you are still reading Judy Blume and Harry Potter books. Hone your skills in puberty and then come back and post. I am tired of reading crap. And one last note: I did not give you a 0. It was not worth rating by number in my opinion. Someone else must love your work also. As for Anotherday, shut up if you do not post. Get some thick skin. "Oh poetry is about sharing and caring and expressing your soul" Please, start reading serious poets and quit wasting our time.
This is one tasty ditty; a pleasure to read. I appreciate the stream of consciousness style sans meandering. Blue and tight! 9/10
This poem, excuse me lyric, has some seriously confused images and lines. And some lines I actually like. Poisonous curriculum is good, but what exactly is "cerebral tuberculosis?" Plus, I get the feeling you sat down with a thesaurus and plagued the poem, excuse me again, lyric, with unneeded syllables.
Hmmm. I was always taught that if you are too close to it, save it for later to avoid the dramatic sentiment. But this, writer of triangle poems, is interesting. I agree with GW. I laughed a bit on first reading. But I think it was the general rhyme scheme. I think somewhere in our head we are programmed to think limericks as being funny. The only thing that confused me on the first couple of reads is the land images mixing with water images, but that could be questioning if this is something grounded or skirting. Who knows? Reading too much into it, I suppose.
i'm feeling an awkward transition between 'til i got it hurting right' and 'and i still dream'. the rhythm alters; i skip a beat, but not enough of them to get there...also, don't forget you have wings, birdie. this is a clear-voiced song; i think the warbling is an affectation or the tourists. nothing better than a tame outside that lets you in, into the tempest
p&k, i usually do leave quiet those things i am close too. i think this one will stay, and the other one, without metaphos, as mrs g nailed it, will find it's way back into the annals of 'things i thought once but don't want to ever see again, or else i'd have to admit to...' you know the file i mean? any way, it wouldn't be the first poem to appear for a limited engagement, and then disappear into the dark from whence it came...