I enjoyed this immensely-9/10

I consider myself an acataleptic in regard to your comments. However there was no need to defend, it is only my opinion. Your skill and dexterity as a writer are not in question, you turn a phrase as well as any I have seen here to date. So saying he removes the poisoned spear and seemingly disappears from view.

Hey I Like cheese!

part the first: yes, and no. self-censorship? this is a hard battle; either way you lose. loose the parable on the gathered masses. if you feel arrogant writing it, then maybe it needs to be written in a different voice, froma different point of view? part the second: i took your advice re: the first 2 stanza, partially. i visciously slashed at the kernel that seeded this poem; it's a better swimmer without its old skin, methinks. and, part the third, since we seem to be the only ones alive tonight, either of you have any instant-grat criticism for me? i'd like to put this one to bed, and then to do the same for me. it's late here in the east.

ugh! this is fun but so difficult in this format. O.K. S3 last line: out INTO the sky sounds better. And evening sweeps seperates the image from shushes in, so try; Evening sweeps out into the skies. S3 line4: Darkening it's reach really throughs me for a loop. I have no suggestions though. S4 line 3: Change amidst to amid. line 4: Salt drying on my cheeks. Infact the line in this stanza with the strongest impact for the last line is I breathe. So try: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- Salt drying on my cheeks- I breathe. I'm sorry I have to go this is so much of what I love! Will do it again soon but I promised my son a massage and I have work in the wee morn. So it's au revoir.

There are just some really imaginative people on this site. Many of them have several user names and they also happen to be these genius/inventive/mischievious types so I was just checking. Did you read the other comments you recieved?

I'm so obssesive compulsive about writing that I can't leave it alone til I'm satisfied. Last attempt I hope! Last Stanza: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- The salt dries on my cheeks- And I breath. By Jove I think that's got it.

Nice treatment of a subject much covered-keeping it in the family worth at least an 8/10

I don't want to fall out with you as I made you-I am the judge and it brings heavt responsibilities-nice poem though 8/10

if you simmered it after you boiled it down, baba, i could eat it without my toofeses in. i can never find those damn dentures, anyway. and you've made my favorite tonight, too. or is this the dinner you promised that little tart with the big texas dreams? mrs. g warned her about your allure; she heeded not a word of that oracular adviser. remus and romulus, prepare the bowl

My dear flower, I know what you mean by mrs.g, I was referring to our friend mr. p&k. I just took off my poem Queen Anne's escape yesterday, and last night I wrote aa poem with -there's gangsters and henchmen taking over this town. So the rest of you keep quite and for God's sake keep down. Innocents and victims end up hospitalized, and everyone's accountable if any one dies... The title of this poem is "Unsuitable for sensitive viewers" I typed half of it in last night and decided to remove it because it sounded to much like an arrogant complaint. what do you think about that? zinnia p&k?

wait a second... there's somrthing fishy going on here. Annie, Annie, can you hear me? I know your logged-in? Is this a hoax? I want to take you seriously but this antenna's starting to pick-up some suspicious vibes. Please reply.

suggesttions: lose 'ink.' in s1; lose 'myself.' in s2; start s3 with 'Myself, my journey' and not what you have there; end s3 with 'all's transposed here'; s4-line 2 changes to 'keeps emotions at bay'; and lastly, egression make me think of regression, (perhaps this was your intent?)-EGRESS will do--it means the same, and is simpler... by the way, what i was going for was for the rhyme in lines 2 & 5 to trip the reader along with you. you start out with this rhyme scheme, and it pleases, but then you lay it down and get all metaphysical on us. sneak that stuff in.

Wow, this is a very mature piece of writing. It's almost perfect. There's just a couple of small tweaks that will make this a thing of beauty forever. 3rd stanza/line 3: darking it's reach should br changed to darkening the seas reach, or some other synonym for sea. the way the sentence is structure now, it is the Cool quiet night's reach darkening. Line 5 shush has got a great sound so I want you to keep it, but how does cold get shushed in and evening get swept out by the same agent? Last stanza 1st line: With irrational intent all conspire or Irrational intentions conspire or without rational intent (skip to next line) All conspire to soothe...

s3 is about the shadows. perhaps 'let the sea soak the sorrow out' needs modification? in my head, the sea is staining the sand, and the shadows do the same, and they reach for each other, so the cold is in the shadow/shade of evening, swept out (pine/grass broom) to darken the skies? as the sea does the sand? but with fewer words

Or this irrational conspiracy... or just plain, all conspire... or maybe not irrational at all. The thesaurus says: unreasonable, stupid, ridiculous. If your trying to convey the inability of these natural forces to have a common intent then I think you're going to have to go for another word.

tweak tweak tweak, i think i find what i seek. thanks mrs g--the plums belonged in the painting stanza, and the sorrow needed to get soaked out in the acceptance/hope/conclusion. also, in/out=ebb/flow. yes/no?

muchas gracias. will dream on it.

when i say mrs. g, i mean mrs. god, mi hermana, but i think you knew that. i don't confuse you with ms. steinem, EVER.

I would really love it if you could explain to me how my writing came off as a Practical joke or even distrustful, you don???t know me or what has happen in my life.