alexander
on Sunshine by alexander
23 Aug 2002, 3:04 AM
Yes it can
Is that a reference to Thomas Hardy an Matthew Arnold in the second verse? Because you seem to have bought into the whole Arnold 'scholar gipsy' gig - wandering beyond limits, looking at the failings of the world from afar etc. I think though that you need to cut down on the number of words used. This sounds very 19th century.
Sometimes-10/10
Oui, c'est ca
The first part of this is truly great - the rest sort of tails off into your customary madness - but the metaphor of the lawn is bloody fantastic.
Actually, not sure that it's a metaphor on another reading, but it's still fantastic.
It's about superdeduction, which manifests itself in what some people would call telepathy.
The poem is about two people whose minds are superdeductive; one attempting to deceive the other, but the other, aware of the facades that are often put up to block.
The latter is the "narrator" of the poem...and is sometimes referred to by their peers as "dead eye" which is old western slang for someone with excellent shooting aim.
Balthazar, you read it right. The funniest part is that this is based on things guys have actually said to me.
"You need to be put in your place," and such...as if we are not all where we are already.
Cos with this advice
you will not get any here
Understanding pah
1/10
Don't listen to the stuff about abbreviations - MVP's really works here with copies. The rhyme of cool and Tool is funny as well. This has real bite.
There are some great lines, but isn't this rather muddled as a whole? There's suggestiveness adn allusion, and there's incoherence. There doesn't seem to be any objective correlative here. (hey, I'm as guilty of that as anyone, but that doesn't invalidate my criticism).
This is a good moment of negative capability and just living rather than worrying about living. I like it.
This astrological stuff just confuses me. How do you guess? I don't even want to know what sign you think I am, Arsewipe or something..but anyhoo, I lke your porn star haikus. They tell a story and they're as dirty-bright as tin foil.
Anyway I have change the title, I give a simple title to my poem . I think your right, it is a prose poem.
ok thanks for your comments i will make a few changes then hopefully you will vote on it again or give me your comments on how to improve it
i admit very few changes but that is all i thought could be changed also i didnt want to change to much of it anyway
Those little changes have made this much better, it's opened up a bit
Kaleidoscopic