That's an interesting revision of sonnet form - no real regular rhyme scheme, shortening lines, but a final couplet to pull the whole together. 'Piney hearts' is very good.

Excellent one of my favourites so far.

I like it, it's chunky and real.

This is a solid poem. The image is strong and has the weight of solid imagery behind it. The only thing I do not like is the ending. I do not know why. It fits, I suppose, but the images are so strong in the beginning, especially the sleeping portion and the repetitive use of wonder (excellent), that the end almost comes as being anti-climatic. I feel like I am being told something I want to be shown; does that make any sense. I'll read it again in a few days and see if it still hits me that way. But this is solid, and it is good to see some quality on the site.

okay, the muse has spoken. what say you all? does this accomplish my goal? now, i think it's less scattered, and i THINK there is a more concrete sense of narrative... y or n?

I preferred the first draft-it was more compact and immediate, and was suggestive rather than explicatory.

g'sW--i like the retrospect you paint here, and the contrast of connectedness: innocence and understanding to one's capacity and the joy in that awareness; the abandoning oneself to the truth of youth; and the keen sensitivity to that loss. sigh. beautiful and simple. see my 'cold sonnet' for the voices of the earth on a grey february day... i put myself in cedar skin to write in, and would be interested in what you think of my writing. and, oh, h, i hope that was bachus talking trash about my potential trashing of the divine wife's work, because i thought you knew me better than that. this crafty muse gets nothing but respect from me for her wordwerk. i like the way she thinks. she leaves the right stuff out, which is a skill i am trying to acquire...

Babbit11 -- Thanks for acknowledging my work and the inspiration you derive from it. I'd like to thank my manager, my accountant, Louie, the good folks at poemranker, and of course, L. Ron Hubbard, and Jesu (whose love and guidance make all things possible). I'd also like to thank my understanding and patient wife (hey, boo), my girlfriend Luquanda (thanks for keeping it on the down-low), and my crew from the Bronx (Tamika, Shaniqua, Lashaun, Rayshawn, Rae-Rae, and Norbert)...whoa, there's the music. That's my time. I love you all!! Peace

Easily merits all the above praise

Do you find murder melodramatic? The poem is not really good but its not bloody daisies or sunsets. I mean my God, if anything my poem does not at all portray the reality of the amount of PAIN and SUFFERING.

This piece reminds me of the time I wandered the Cimetiere du Montparnasse in Paris at 4am. Not the neglect, as it is very well kept, but the feelings of peace and beckoning you impart. 7/10 for evoking a great memory.

Your work is wrenching. Have you read any of Don Paterson's work? Much different in style but similar themes. 8/10

I see you've been censoring criticism of your poem, just look an evil Muslim would. But the point still stands: it's "must HAVE" not "must of".

I'm not here for ratings. In fact, I could care less about what you or anyone else thinks of the poetry. Comments are supposed to leave you with something to take away, to improve upon the poetry. I enjoy critique, but if you're just gonna come here and say "Fuck your stupid goddamn poetry, it's total shit.", then you might as well just say it to yourself. I didn't come here to have people tell me how bad my poetry is. I came here to improve.

Thank god (or his wife, as the case may be) for a new 'inspirator' (yes I made it up). This piece reminded me of the time I was on a caye in Belize reading The Celestine Prophecy about six years ago, attempting to converse with the trees and plants around me. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have let the locals talk me into swallowing the viper at the bottom of the rum bottle. But I digress. Welcome and looking forward to more inspiring pieces from you. 8/10

cleary demonstrating that motherhood and sentience are not mutually exclusive. nicely done. may i add: APHRODITE /seductress divine/satisfy my heart's delight/your gift is passion

But are you not the one who left this little love ditty in my poem's comment box this morning. "Oh, by the way, your poetry fucking sucks. Just thought I'd let you know. I really tried to like it, I really did..." Is this a case of a poor attempt to dish out some smack but not having the talent to back it up? Oh karma is so funny don't you think. and this poem, sorry to say , is not good and does not need improvement, but a new writer.

Mine too

This reminds me, Butchers give me the creeps. hmmmmmm

This doesn't evoke Lincolnshire at all. Where are the rape fields, the thunderflies, the line of power stations along the Trent valley?