| Re: Point Blank by jroday |
jroday 204.215.33.74 |
2-Jan-05/4:58 AM |
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This is my first time trying to write a "Prose Poem"
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| Re: The wreck of a Memphis-Atlanta Greyhound by zodiac |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/6:52 AM |
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Nicely done. I feel like it ended a little bit like the thought was pushed through a steel mesh somehow.
And the use of "akimbo" completely pulled me out of what was a very nice and interest-keeping ride.
I have no suggestion on how to fix that ending, so I leave it in your capable hands.
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| Re: Math Poem 3 by Dovina |
patty t 64.231.23.109 |
2-Jan-05/8:36 PM |
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very snappy - though, your example is more of a logical tautology than math
-9-
here's one I wrote a while ago
Math vs poetry
its radius is one-half the diameter
the area: r-squared, by pi
for years I was chained to a perfect circle
the Formulae kept me from asking, why?
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| Re: Point Blank by jroday |
richa 81.178.233.69 |
2-Jan-05/7:15 AM |
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Not a particularly incisive analysis. Poems need to be more subtle and crafted. The only poem I see here is the bit where jesus comes down as a jew and everyone is suspicious of him. Also don't use caps they are the most artless device of communication ever.
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| Re: Math Poem 3 by Dovina |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.37 |
2-Jan-05/7:19 AM |
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I'm sorry, Miss Dovina. The dog ate my math homework.
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| Re: No More Autumn Poems (Edit) by Sasha |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/9:43 AM |
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First stanza, about one extra word per line.
that
and
I see
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"about to die" s/b "who's dying" so you can make the rhyming line "leaving branches drying"
First line of last stanza - rough. last line, need something before "requiem".
Pretty damn close to very good (otherwise I wouldn't bother, friend).
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| Re: Math Poem 3 by Dovina |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/9:44 AM |
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Given Zodiac's change - quite excellent.
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| Re: Dear Will, by DarkThirteens |
DarkThirteens 68.184.162.14 |
2-Jan-05/10:14 AM |
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This is a poem i wrote at 1:12 a.m. for my friend so i was half asleep. i don't expect tens. lots of inside jokes so don't freak out.
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| Re: Dear Will, by DarkThirteens |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/11:57 AM |
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Actually has a sweat flow - was put off by two things though: "arouhd" (around), "and fill me full of fear" is a bit of an overstatement, considering you have the two lines above it. Yes, I know you need the rhyme, so get rid of one of those others (prolly "you scare...").
Slight annoyance is that I wouldn't normally pronounce "Lea" to rhyme with "me".
still - feels good.
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| Re: Thoughts for Later (v3) by nentwined |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/12:53 PM |
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| Re: Sugar Coating by nentwined |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/12:55 PM |
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lol, this is the third time I've logged in and the second time I've gotten two of *your* poems to randomly review...
dimples? that's not what came to mind. Either way, a good message.
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| Re: Betwixt and In Between by dougsoderstrom |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/3:44 PM |
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Doing nothing is always an option.
It made me consider Frost's poem, and how it would be different if he had actually taken neither road. I think it would pretty much end in the first stanza.
*Eventually* you gotta do something, even if it is "went back the way I came".
And what the heck did you do to piss off Zodiac? I think he's just jealous.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/3:47 PM |
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Not too shabby, really. a bit of teen angst, sure - a tad pimply (a tad...) but well metered.
Thats a crapload of knives though.
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| Re: An Ode To An Angel by Bhaskaryya |
Acid_moose 209.208.76.160 |
2-Jan-05/4:58 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/6:29 PM |
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(that was me). We need more of this shit.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/6:32 PM |
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Nice title. And a pretty wonderful piece...
tweakable: "--why, if I had toast instead of family
then christmas would pass quite crunchily"
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 70.16.209.52 |
2-Jan-05/6:43 PM |
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Day 72: Wooden boy makes a useful bed. If only I could get him to tell the truth then quickly tell a lie a little more often.
8, because I don't get the thing with the blowhole.
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| Re: Math Poem 2 by Dovina |
patty t 64.231.23.109 |
2-Jan-05/6:44 PM |
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the 'too'/'two' pun is telegraphed - saw it coming a mile away. -8-
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
patty t 64.231.23.109 |
2-Jan-05/6:57 PM |
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-8- minus one for pandering to current events.
would suck to be caught scuba diving in that
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
patty t 64.231.23.109 |
2-Jan-05/7:24 PM |
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would you call a supermarket in the carribean a TROPICAL AISLE-LAND?
-9-
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