INTRANSIT
on INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT
11 Nov 2007, 8:11 AM
And line 8 needs more help. Bleh.
I can't see your comment, Mage. The counter is off.
Well done INTRANSIT, Well done. I can certainly relate to the I.C.U. part. Another well deserved ten for you. I haven't been around for a while but if time permits I'll read a few more of yours.
As we think ourselves into a mellenial grave eh?
What's next? Irish pub slush?
Sound like you got a good batch of l.s.d.
Meh. Just edited for better sound.
what is your native language?
god damn, Shardik!!!
that is one kick ass poem, bachus. like being side swiped by a mack truck and punched in the gut.
Change line 3/4 to a statement, drop the -how can-
Line 5. change items for unusual things
Cut line 7
Line 10 try -anger before pain-
Cut the buts, and instead of guilt lasting forever
make it hang around like a sad dog (cliche) or something else. Punch it up there.
HTH.
will the real cunt please stand up....heh, cunts don't have legs, hee hee!!! you can't hide cory feldman in here. he stands out like a sore cunt!!!
Ok, lets see if we can DA and SR outa the pub long enough to declare it all false. I doubt if they sing any version of Amazing Grace.
This is good INTRANSIT. Something any good writer should be able to relate to. The rhythm seems fine to me. Nice work.
I like EVERYTHING about this poem from your use of enjambment to the title--the title rocks!
So I dropped the Ibex and some of the punctuation, cut some excess words so I hope it reads better, at least.
But what I need to persue is that opening line.
Don't knock yourself for not writing good political poems--a writer as good as you will find a way--just be prepared for the backlash of idiot comments. I like this poem--the message is loud and clear. Maybe a few metaphors or similes might help? Just a thought--good work all the same.
The musicality of this poem is wonderful--you definitely are the Musicman. Great work.
Sorry for your loss, Paul. Let this simmer for a week or two and see what else comes to mind.