Dovina
on Some poems by INTRANSIT
4 Nov 2007, 5:42 PM
Yeah, got a few stuck the tubes. Prefer a more descriptive title; I mean describing the good ones in some cute way. Like it a lot.
Recycle
wow. that bad huh?
perhaps I should k.i.s.s. my pomes too.
The rhymes a bit off...needs sorting, Ideas very easy to identify with though. I like the lightheartedness of it.
This rolls around a bit, lazily working ideas into place. Great descriptions, vaguely horrific ending. I thought the start was a little slow, but after reading a couple of times, it's perfect.
A bit rough here and there...but not too bad
The word -could- gives the bards the option of doing so. "We could sing this. Nah, lets play Jarts."
There may be an even better/more active/forceful word than -will or -want to. (not the first line)
Give me more details about s-1-3. (Everything) is too broad a specrum, I think. Try to narrow it.
Like I said to dovina, It'sa jumping off point.
well-woven rhyme, both endrhyme and internal. line 8 is a little weak, i think you could easily tighten it up. i know what you were going for with the phrase "corporal punishment," but it still seems out of place. by the last stanza i think you've lost some momentum, but overall i like the images.
extra points for shameless name-dropping ;)
unashamedly light fare. it's a hallmark moment.
great crack about the ethics homework. are you sure you want to keep the prose-poem format though? it makes much of this piece difficult to parse.
OK, so let's try something a little different.
Originally, I considered the title "Who's UP first". Strike out?
I'm reluctant to praise this poem with words. But it is beautiful.
The closing metaphor is very well developed. I love this concept. Where I hold no clout in the poetic society, this poem would mean so much more as a persuasive piece instead of an informative. But excellent.
wtf is this? I hope all your loved ones get into crashes.
Spare yourself the trouble. btw, are you related to God? Striking resemblance
OH EM GEE. You should submit this to Poetry.com. You would TOTALLY get this in a book!!!