Re: power by flatliner	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:31 AM
*8*
Re: Nude Limbo by forestchild7	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:32 AM
*5*
Re: Devour by leviathan	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:33 AM
*10*
Re: Winged Beauty by ThoughtfulSoul	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:33 AM
*7*
Re: Untitled by psychedelic	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:33 AM
*7*
Re: untitled :( by XxRuby_KillsXx	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.7	25-Aug-04/8:59 AM
______________________________________________ "I wonder out of my dark tomb" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you wonder, as in ponder, or _wander_ as in roam? Big difference girlie. ______________________________________________ "as I remembered all your lies" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ First you started off speaking in the present tense, and then shifted to the past tense, which isn't good grammar. It confuses people, and they won't know whether they should be considering these actions as presently occuring or having already occurred. Crippled poems don't succeed with crutches, and if it's handicapped, in poetic sense, it's as good as dead. ______________________________________________ "I could still here my cries" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now did you mean 'here' as in 'Come here' or _hear_ as in 'I can hear you'? Again, big difference, causes most seasoned writers to laugh or chuckle, and we really can't help it... It matters girlie. ______________________________________________ "From when you choked me with all my ties" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now honestly, did you wear ties? I'm confused, perhaps you're into the late 80's style dyke-drag queen scene? If your forcing the rhyme, it detracts from the poem, cripples it, and the resultant chuckles then kill it. Don't ever force rhyme, if you want a rhyme structure, make it natural and fluid-- if it won't fit, fuck it and free verse.. you're better off in the long run, natural rhyming takes awhile for some to develope. ______________________________________________ "migraines from all the flashbacks was worser than" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Worser, as my fourth grade teacher stressed, "Is never to be used. It is not a word, it is bastardised english. Illiterate people are the only ones who have an excuse for horrible grammar, but you folks are not illiterate." Worse is never stressed. There's two choices: Worse or Worst. Example: 'My headaches are continually getting worse.' OR 'This is the worst use of grammar I have ever seen.' ______________________________________________ "Ever since we made love out in sea" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Out in sea? It's proper english to make use of articles, which are the words, -a- , -an- , and -the-. So it should be written as such: "Ever since we made love out in the sea." Now, did you guys figure out the secret to swimming and fucking while also having to deal with the waves and the currents, or did you make love _on the beach_? DON'T FORCE THE RHYME... ______________________________________________ "I though I had nothing to fear" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'thought' -- Obviously a typo right? Well, that's not a good excuse anyway, specially when theres http://www.spellcheck.net -- CHECK IT, CORRECT IT. Then you won't have jerks like me pointing it out afterwards, comprende? ______________________________________________ "No reason to throw out a tear" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is what happens when you force the rhyme, you end up making statements that don't really make too much sense at all. DON'T FORCE THE RHYME, IT IS A POETIC CRIME, PLEASE ATLEAST TAKE THE TIME TO PERFECT THE FUCKING DESIGN. Ok? Just trying to grind it in so it sticks. ______________________________________________ "but a women with a knife" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Women? Is he killing one _WOMAN_ or several _WOMEN_? Use the plural and singular forms correctly please, or folks'll just get confused, irritated, or really amused. Unless you intend to confuse, irritate, or amuse the reader, you will cripple the poem. If it was supposed to be a pimple, post it as such (in which case it would deserve a freakin ten and a special award.) ______________________________________________ "Then stabbed the women in the chest" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Same thing again. GRAMMAR IS IMPORTANT IN WRITING AND BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY AND NOT APPEAR ILLITERATE. Now I'm done being anal.. and I feel like a crabby english teacher, which is horrible, but it's essential to know this shit. Next, some things I liked: _______________________________________________ I just wish you could be dead I would love to see you laying hopelessly covered in red ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Even though it's forced rhyme, and the use of red in place of blood is pretty old, it still shows some promise for you. So it's noteworthy at the least. The emotion is there, the message is somewhat clear (though horribly expressed and badly written.) so you simply need to practice writing, using correct grammar, improving your spelling, and ofcourse: YOU SHOULD READ POETRY FROM THE MASTERS-- Allen Ginsberg, T.S. Eliot, Jack Kerouac, Arthur Rimbaud, William S. Burroughs, Edgar Allen Poe, etc, etc, who ever gives you the right dose and style of poetic injection to give you an idea of how real poetry is written and crafted. I will refrain from voting, for some reason I feel like being merciful and not going for the kill.. so don't get worked up, I rarely ever point out this stuff kindly, and the proofreading above isn't shit compared to when I thrash horrible poems worse than yours. I too sucked at spelling and grammar, but the more I read the easier it was.
Re: A Piñon Planter by Dovina	Enchantres 145.53.203.34	25-Aug-04/1:34 PM
Beautiful...
Re: Twilit Beach by Corey McHattan	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:34 AM
*9*
Re: Sophisticant by Bluesee	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:35 AM
*8*
regarding some deleted poem...	FadedHappiness 216.76.238.180	25-Aug-04/4:35 AM
*7*
Re: Beached (Or how I learned to give up the day) by Jeremi B. Handrinos	Enchantres 145.53.203.34	25-Aug-04/1:39 PM
I loved the third verse so much, but the whole poem is beautiful.
Re: Smoking Skies by Enchantres	Dovina 17.255.240.138	25-Aug-04/5:19 PM
Leave out "most" in "most purest." "Taking me away from me" is good, minus the comma. Pretty good overall.
Re: Out Of My Mind by Enchantres	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/7:07 AM
To the point, clear and distinct. I could probly learn a thing or two there.. all mystic and doped as I am.. -noted- Ah, yes, Blessed with eight.
Re: Absolution by andrewjthomas	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/7:20 AM
Now thats a damn good anti-catholicism poem... damn it, I suck. ;/ And I hate you. Blessed with ten. Tis a fav.. I will remember to curse you beneath my breath before howling in mediocre wanting.
Re: Inquietude by klosterfobik	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/6:58 AM
walking slowly against an unthawed wind, hardly a shiver, two clinging hands - guiltless and whole. That's what stuck with me.. the rest was good too, but everyone is particular in some retarded aspect.. ah well, enough rambling: Blessed with eight.
Re: Beached (Or how I learned to give up the day) by Jeremi B. Handrinos	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/6:46 AM
Quite right my friend... but you lose a point for "prince", since I can be a asshole like that and feel good doin it.
Re: It's really hard to know what to speak to him. by fevriere	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/6:50 AM
Well, mes petite, you've impressed me. Think this is probly the best I've seen from you, in my opinion. Ten. And it's on the ole favorite list.
Re: Rapid Eye Movement by wilco	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/6:52 AM
Mostly like it, specially the first stanza, the ending felt somewhat abrupt though. Blessed with nine.
Re: Penumbra by klosterfobik	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.4	25-Aug-04/7:02 AM
(with something of a subtle grace) O' obscurity that smile on your face, Eh? sudden use of fancy ole english, and theres that simplistic rhyming scheme present, sojourn of the wind? stoic moon? murder of our love? oh, and cherry topped with a comet.. Was this supposed to be a pimple? Sorry. No sale. Chewed & Rejected. Blessed with three.
Re: I Got A Girl by <{Baba^Yaga}>	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.7	25-Aug-04/9:16 AM
perhaps if stretched just a bit, it would be a satisfying song, but I'm picky on music anyway. Loved the first three stanzas, the first chorus was ok, fourth stanza didn't do all too well (which, dur, is why theres a fucking improv, but you know me when I blab, it rolls onwards.) And ofcourse I relate except that I've only just met the first girl that I really actually had feelings that go beyond lust.. oddly enough.. different topic though, but you'll hear of it sooner or later... I've crawled out of the rock that kept me cozy and diseased, finally.. well, heres my worn out voting line: blessed with seven.