Re: Marina by INTRANSIT	edpeterson 68.79.18.7	5-Aug-04/1:18 PM
too much
Re: Navy Pier by Doug	edpeterson 68.79.18.7	5-Aug-04/1:15 PM
what is spledor?
Re: Mors Omnia Solvit by shit	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/12:17 PM
Boooring! Where's the story?
Re: Counting seconds for blowing this world up by Prince of Void	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/11:50 AM
Muddled. where's the story, bud?
Re: Mike Pike!! by DR Limerick	MacFrantic 198.81.26.16	5-Aug-04/5:36 PM
And the coldness Mike's Pike didn't like *6*
regarding some deleted poem...	ForgottenSoul17 65.81.216.156	5-Aug-04/8:56 PM
yeah uhm...my bf broke up with me and we got back together and ... i decided to write this caused im confused...that poem is confusing too...
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/11:47 AM
Soooo much better! I particulary like the paradox between scholarly sophistication and artless porn. You've also got that whole 'Mucahley Culkin goes wrong' thing at the end. I like this poem's tragic humor.
Re: Bugs by INTRANSIT	timtonio 172.163.4.65	5-Aug-04/8:45 PM
I like the "something more" that I see in this poem. The contrast between the death of a bug "as just part of beautiful nature" and the death of our own species which is something much more ugly(to us). We are willing to squash a thousand bugs(or other organisms)for every person we help. "I don't mind so much when insects explode"
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/12:07 PM
Nice second stanza. How's about She carries on perfect girl shoulders, the seasons. Not our notable four, but just hers- from some other world. I'm only trying to point out the difference in style between the first and last stanzas. you should consider playing around with the first stanza, maybe go back in your mind to the image that inspired this and sketch it in a little more. Also the 'difference' line is superfluous. It doesn't fit in with either 'I don't know these names' or with the adjectives that follow. See if you like the stanza better with that line omitted.
Re: The Serpent People by horus8	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/12:09 PM
Powerful.
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/12:11 PM
If you'd cut this way down to the first stanza alone it would deserve a ten.
regarding some deleted poem...	god'swife 209.178.140.41	5-Aug-04/12:15 PM
Inventive.
Re: Navy Pier by Doug	Nateislate 67.42.43.177	5-Aug-04/1:55 PM
Others are attempting genuine feedback. I'll attempt the same, stipulating that this is a fine effort that I like very much. I'm most concerned with two incongruities: 1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment. 2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.
regarding some deleted poem...	kingfisher 209.179.168.52	5-Aug-04/4:14 PM
Muy effectivo.
regarding some deleted poem...	kingfisher 209.179.168.52	5-Aug-04/4:19 PM
Sometimes it just don't work out.
Re: A box floating high in the skies by Corey McHattan	kingfisher 209.179.168.52	5-Aug-04/4:21 PM
I like the reflection in the back and forth views. Well-written. Have you tried this one on pathetic.org?
Re: Solid Understanding by Dovina	kingfisher 209.179.168.52	5-Aug-04/4:27 PM
Great first stanza.
Re: Girlz by liljsmith87	kingfisher 209.179.168.52	5-Aug-04/4:30 PM
Sometimes life is simple. Us vs them.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 24.52.157.176	5-Aug-04/4:39 PM
The repetition is annoying and adds nothing to the impact. "I don't dream of touching a student" is rather trite. "I stop and I write" doesn't need the second I. Still a fairly good overall thought.
Re: A Beautiful Pain by timtonio	Dovina 24.52.157.176	5-Aug-04/4:49 PM
A good thought. "a future foretold" tends to spoil the intrigue that's otherwise there.