Unrequited love of self?

hey miggy, I bet you don't remember me but you gave me a little help with one of my poems a very long time ago, lol :) Glad to see your still writing! =) Anyways, I love the feeling your trying to express here, but when writing a lyric try making a little beat in your mind and singing it. This way you can make sure everything flows together and your not going to run out of breath trying to get everything in. But over-all I enjoyed your imagery. -Katie

The second stanza is perfect (perhaps change the position of 'sacred' as our trucker suggests). "He's teaching school now" wants editing, in my opinion and the last line is very abrupt. Maybe that's what you were after though?

My very first thought upon reading the opening line was that this is crying out to be moulded into a form - sonnet was the one that sprang to mind. It would work equally well as a monologue, although I think it'd have to be a narration to a film clip or something similar. Otherwise you risk creating a large (and quite impressive) description with not much to hook the reader. Forming it would create a rhythm, a movement to capture the reader.

Reverse the roles! Condense the poem and make it the title, and expand on the title to use the sloth as physical metaphor. It doesn't have to be wrapped up in a Japanese form, although it's more punchy in this form.

I haven't read a great deal of sestinas, usually they bore me. This is different; you direct attention away from the ends of lines, which makes all the difference. There are one or two places which seem forced and should be ironed out for the sake of perfection ("and my haunt" is the obvious one). I absolutely loved "my fingers jumped from pools of fluorescent water to cats haunting crusty archways". Almost perfect :-)

Funny thing is that I didn't read any cynicism in this, except for where the title is concerned.

Ace.

In an historical account of human civilisation, what else would you expect?

Is line two missing something?

i dont really get any cynicism here. perhaps i am daft. i was rather repulsed by the cowering servility of the narrator, but then the last verse i can almost see a sneer creep into the subject's face. i do hope that the keepr of the subject's soul is not the "Lord" or "Master", but rather the subject themsleves. maybe the words are spoken true, as in "i will shield nothing from you since all i do is what you ask." in that case, i am further repulsed. not your best, but we all write what we need to write, nonetheless.

well, maybe if the guv'ment need a new weapons test site, they can move north a bit.

funny you should say you look for a man with qualities in verse 1. an inuendo or two could be made there, especially with line 3.

you young whelps don't know how hard it was to write before this confounded internet. we had to actually move pen across paper, and if we screwed up a word, we had to scratch it out! and we had to use a real dictionary - an actualy big, heavy book - to look up words instead of the ridiculously easy "open another web page" nonsense. and if you lost that piece of paper or it got wet or burned, you were shit out of luck if you could not recite it from your own memory, i tell you. kids these days...

Delete my comments eh will you? You little Snot. This is cliche CRAP. And horrendously corny. Zero.

Oh, btw, when you vote for yourself, you make it apparent that you're really fucking gay.

I love it, but here(PR) my opinion never counts for much but to be bashed!I don't care, I love it anyway

beautifully expressed, thank you for sharing this part of your life with all of us out here

this scans like its writer's on crack or worse -- is a blundering hack if you took off your gown and got down with the clown you'd make up for your wordsmithing lack

I feel I want to read more into this than what is apparant - I will take it at face value and maybe add just hint of human emotion to it. I enjoyed it - scene well captured