some deleted user
on Plug my Phone In by jessicazee
14 Sep 2007, 3:45 AM
Very well done--and I agree with INTRANSIT about you being under appreciated. Keep up the good work.
The end goes cheesy.
I'd drop the first two lines. And both -is- in s-4.
Love the sport of spring.
i want you to kiss my mouth; it is pretty
No, thank YOU for the finger food, and I barely even ever make capital letters. yes.
Possible changes : replace -chemistry- it's understood in the previous line.
I think you can move -sacred- between ten and morning, and do no harm.
the parking ticket is clunky BUT interesting. Odd is good. Can you soften it a little?
The plug line bugs me. Too forward, I think.
Overall, I really like what you've built.
I also think you're under appreciated around here. I hope you are not relegating yourself to this site only.
I like poems that tell a story and you do that to perfection in this piece. I see this as more of a prose poem, but how it's labeled really does'nt matter---it's good stuff.
"relization is a cheap matinee." I like--good write.
I can sympathize in some respects, old friend. Eight. Oh, and don't mind the bearded orangutan; rockmage hasn't yet learned that throwing his feces about is considered uncouth in polite company.
Starting at line 3:
Whiplashed, convulsive, her eyes are
a cheap matinee
moans fall from her carpet tongue
She arches; a rigid turnpike
Playing magic on myself ? try tying it back to the polecat or the movie theatre.
Still I likes.
Sorry sona. Rhyming couplets does not a poem make. If you drop half these lines and throw the rhyme out, it would improve. Your choice.
attorceous mispeling and miss-gramer
you have a well crafted western. doesn't really say anything new and i don't like the refrain, but still well done
neatly done, thumbs up
toke a few more and you will think you had
lol ... wow ... ten ... gosh ...
I get to misanthrope and think wtf. Attributing human motivations to the world. There is a word for that kind of thing.
'understory to some curious acts/ of a raucous maddening cock' needs preserving in the annals of pr history.