richa
on floored by godspeed
5 Sep 2007, 12:19 PM
Poo does not coagulate. What are you some kind of dunce.
Pippin and cofa are indiginous trees of coventry 'cofa tree' was where coventry derived.
After these hangings they were treated to a coating of hot tar and left to rot for 35 years - Coventry justice has never been the same since lol.
oh and 'coventry blue' was the colour renowned that coventry weavers produced until the early 20th century.
In all of my artistic endeavors, art, music, cooking, and writing, I do so for myself. It is an outlet, it cleanses my emotions, it teaches me something new, and it results in a creation. If someone else enjoys and benefits, wonderful. Ignore him.
I enjoyed this more than most of what I have read on this site.
'crippled face' doesn't work. A face can't be crippled because it never had any limbs and/or could never walk in the first place.
What are you? Some kind of dunce?
Ya know mage, if you added a vein somehow, it would deepen the poem I think.
Paul, I really like -white walls of hope and salvation-
There's a little trimming, not much, but some change in the line breaks could help. Would you like me to show you ?
Try these cuts. the weight, of bones,
the second -where- and change the third to an -and.
Use the line break as a type of comma, for instance:
Surrounded by apple faced children swinging
lunch pails bent like the aged under heavy backpacks,
So you're still speaking the poem but misdirecting, slightly, each line. Line breaks make for a kind of two-fer for the reader. Not that I have l/bs all worked out, but i've found it's something to play with, if you will.
Remember, You have the final say. Thanks for listening.
good
sol (smiled out loud)
Some decent lines here--good work.
I like the rhythm and rhyme scheme of this. nicely done.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
10 Sep 2007, 4:01 AM
The last line is top-notch.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
10 Sep 2007, 4:05 AM
Should'nt it be "You've never seen the things I've done?" Just an observation.
Humorous.
Soon to be parodied. And trust me, it will be VULGAR and fantastically TASTELESS.
S-2 is where it begins to roll.