| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 66.162.22.123 |
16-Jul-04/12:44 PM |
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| Re: I'll Make It Through by cuddlytiger17 |
Shuushin 207.5.211.177 |
16-Jul-04/7:03 PM |
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Very nice meter, though I'd re-touch the end of the first line of stanza two.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it.
If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else.
Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
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| Re: Ephemeral by shit |
cuddlytiger17 209.105.158.116 |
16-Jul-04/8:25 PM |
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I really like this poem. The images are phenomenal. :)
~10~
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| Re: I'll Make It Through by cuddlytiger17 |
cuddlytiger17 209.105.158.116 |
16-Jul-04/6:47 PM |
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I know this isn't very good, it needs quite a bit of work. I'd appreciate any positive suggestions. :)
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| Re: Honey To The Worms by shit |
cuddlytiger17 209.105.158.116 |
16-Jul-04/8:29 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
cuddlytiger17 209.105.158.116 |
16-Jul-04/8:38 PM |
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| Re: The man of steel by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
cuddlytiger17 209.105.158.116 |
16-Jul-04/8:52 PM |
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LMAO this is great! hahahaha. A ten no doubt.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 212.118.2.83 |
17-Jul-04/8:28 AM |
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Do you think this poem sounds sexier, or less sinful, because it's in Spanish.
HINT: Either way, you're wrong!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.44 |
17-Jul-04/8:56 AM |
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KIDS, PLAY NICE or daddy will delete the poem and you'll have to play at someone else's house.
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| Re: Old Friends by sliver |
donmiguel1960 68.96.168.211 |
16-Jul-04/9:05 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 66.162.22.123 |
16-Jul-04/12:43 PM |
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no understando espanoli. So no el voto.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/4:03 PM |
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So do you believe in God or not?
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| Re: Southern Mississippii Standstill by wilco |
richa 81.178.242.35 |
16-Jul-04/1:32 PM |
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Very pretty, like the feign of line two to three on the first verse. No need for full stops after each verse.
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| Re: Southern Mississippii Standstill by wilco |
Dovina 24.52.157.176 |
16-Jul-04/1:53 PM |
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| Re: Southern Mississippii Standstill by wilco |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/5:00 PM |
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When I think of southern USA, I imagine swamps and those boats that look a bit like hovercrafts, and men with dungarees and pitchforks and pigs under their arms. And also of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Maybe you should work these things into your poem.
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| Re: I Love You by QuirkyWonder |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/5:01 PM |
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| Re: Priority by MacFrantic |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/5:04 PM |
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| Re: The Sky is My Nation by shit |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/5:04 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/5:11 PM |
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I presume this who you were talking about when you said:
'If you were to ever meet Fraser you would find his swollen corpulent legs so risible as to render your comment redundant.
As it is unlikely you ever will let me describe for you a recent account of him visting his tailor:
Fraser: "I should like a suit please"
Tailor: "And how do you propose I measure sirs legs sir?"
Fraser: "I don't know"
Tailor: "Does sir have a trundle wheel?"'
I find it difficult to believe a man's legs could be so distended whilst the rest of his body is seemingly so unworthy of comment. Perhaps you just have an unhealthy interest in flabby thighs.
Nevertheless, a stirling effort.
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| Re: Ago by Enkidu |
?-Dave_Mysterious-? 80.42.83.114 |
16-Jul-04/5:19 PM |
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The first verse reminds me of the book of Revelation.
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